We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Tuesday, March 08, 2016

Back To Basics

Asa has been reading his mom's blog book for about the 8th time. He read me an entry that I remember so well. He was laughing so hard he could hardly talk. It made me realize something. We had so much fun and both sissy and I documented it on our blogs and after she died my blog took a turn for the worse. I've been writing all about my grief and have left out all of the good things. And there are a lot of good things. So I'm going to try to write about all of the silly things that happen with my family. That's not to say that my dark and twisty parts won't be making appearances, they will, that's just a part of me. But I am going to start with the light and straight.

Mom and I had therapy a couple of weeks ago. I can go a few months without going, not because I'm doing so great but I get tired of hearing the same thing over and over so I need periodic breaks. Well I was pretty down so I scheduled therapy. I even cried. Anyway, I also admitted to Dr. B that mom and I haven't been scheduling irresponsible things like going to movies, go out to lunch, etc.... So mom and I get out to the car after therapy and Beya told me "drive over to that bar. We're going to have a drink!" There is a bar two blocks away from our therapists office. How convenient!! Mom admitted she has been wanting to try it for years but we're just too responsible. Go drinking after our therapy appointment? Blasphemy! I was in shock but I drove across the street and parked. Sure enough, mom and I hit the bar at 11 am. Our therapy session had been very dark and twisty so this added some much needed levity to our situation. I couldn't even finish my beer but the food was good! Mom and I just giggled to each other, we felt very grown up, we were at a somewhat seedy bar! I think I was still in shock after we left but I'm so glad I caved to mom's peer pressure. That is a memory that I will have forever.

That leads to another reason why I want to document these happy moments. Mom will most likely die before I do so I want to have the memories written down. I want the kids to be able to go back and read these posts and remember how fun their Beya is/was. I would like to think that they will remember both Beya and Papa but who knows. Neither one of them remember sissy. That was always one of her worst fears when she was sick. She confided in me a certain recurring nightmare and part of it involved Asa forgetting her. Yes, Asa has forgotten her but she's never far from his thoughts. We talk about her daily and he has a pretty good idea of who she was.

I do have one honest thing to mention. I try to implement my therapy tools with the kids, mom calls it second hand therapy. I'm also very open with them about my bipolar and depression. I've explained that my brain is just wired differently but it has nothing to do with them or my love for them. Well, recently one night I lost it. I was so tired, Beya was in Phoenix with her two sisters, Valentina was sick and I had just had enough. I sat on the couch and just cried. Poor Asa came up to me, hugged me and asked "is this your bipolar?" I hugged him and told him that part of it was yes, my bipolar.

Another time the TV was on and it was a commercial for a bipolar medication. Valentina asked "what is bipolar?" Asa was quick to respond "it's when your brain is different and you have highs and then you can instantly be sad." It made me sad that he has to know about this but this is one thing that I know is not my fault. I feel like I screw up the kids and do such a horrible job of raising them, that everything would be perfect if sissy was still alive but Asa would be dealing with a bipolar parent even if she was alive so this one I accept as a fact of life, not a failure on my part.

So that's about it. I'm excited to watch "Mockingjay Part 2" today while my parents are at work. That hasn't helped my emotionally fragile state. Mom got home from Phoenix and immediately went back to work. I feel like I hardly see her at all. But at least she's home!!! I'll take her home and working any day over her not working and being out of town!

I'd like to thank everyone for sticking with me and taking the bad with the good.