The Family Ties That Bind

Unbelievable

2012-01-30T08:56:00.001-08:00

Just when I think Jen has FINALLY had her fill of shit to deal with, she gets more.

I don't know how you do it.

Happy Anniversary

2012-01-27T16:12:00.000-08:00

I just got a text from my husband telling me happy anniversary.

Huh?

Oh, that's right, we got married six years ago today!

I always forget our anniversary since we were together for almost 12 years when we got married and it was a slap dash put together thing done at the courthouse with a FABULOUS dinner in a private room at the Hilton afterwards for our immediate family. We had so much fun! For our one year anniversary Norm gave me a gift certificate for sissy's and my favorite spa. Sissy and I went and had a lovely spa day a month or so later.

So happy anniversary to my husband of six years and partner of almost 18 years.

Bits And Pieces

2012-01-26T15:25:00.000-08:00

Mom got after me today to write a new blog post. Little does she know I've actually sat down and written about five of them but they always turn all dark and twisty and I know everyone is tired of reading about my dark and twisty insides.

I actually came up with a really good post last night. It was funny, full of humor and was cracking me up just writing it in my head.......but I had taken ambien and by the time I sat down to write it I was falling asleep and today it's gone. I don't remember any of it.

Valentina got her report card from preschool today. She got glowing reviews and is doing very well. Of course there are only five other students and two of them are the teachers kids but that's beside the point :) I adore her teacher, she's so kind and sweet. I'm very fortunate to have wonderful teachers for both of the kids.

I'm trying to sell our 1993 Toyota 4Runner and had it on craigslist listed at $3100. I had one person call and actually come out and test drive it. He didn't buy it so I decided to delete all the posts I had on craigslist and jacked up the price to $4,500. Nothing.....until yesterday after I lowered the price to $4,000. We have someone coming to look at it Saturday. Woohoo!!!! Hopefully we can finally get rid of it since it's an extra, extra vehicle for us.

Oh!!!! Norm got into a car accident!!!! This was about 2 weeks ago. It happened about 5 blocks from our house at a nasty intersection that has at least one wreck a week. He's ok and they are still determining if his work car is fixable or totaled.

So that's about it. Damn, I wish I could remember my funny post, this one isn't dark and twisty but it sure is boring. I'm tempted to delete it altogether but I don't want to hear Beya tell me again that I need to write something.

January 14

2012-01-14T19:04:00.001-08:00

The past two weeks have been so hard. Much more difficult than I anticipated.

Today was Valentina's actual birthday and all I could think of was "two years ago today was the viewing. Two years ago today I stood in the entryway of a funeral home while mom, Josh and his mom went and looked at my sister in a fucking casket, the last place on earth she should have been. Two years ago today my house was full of people that I don't remember. Two years ago today I had to have a party for my daughter because she had been expecting it and I couldn't let her down even more than I already had. Two years ago today my Aunt Jeanie had to pick out a birthday cake because I was incapable of doing anything. Two years ago today I had to attend to my sisters funeral the next day."

Tomorrow is two years since since we had to bury my sissy.

The past two weeks have been a double whammy. We've been reliving not only the dates of when things happened but also the days. She died on Saturday, January 9. Last Saturday my mind was swirling with thoughts of when she died and also the date, January 7, the last day sissy talked to me in the hospital. Friday I was thinking that 104 weeks ago we had her funeral but it was also the 13th, two days before her funeral and I was still doing last minute planning for the services.

I keep waiting for the 15th to pass, thinking, hoping, there will be a shift. Last year there was a shift after the 15th. It definitely wasn't any easier, things have not gotten one bit easier since two years ago, but there was a sense of "oh my gosh. We made it. We made it through the first year. How in the hell did we do that?" Some people say the second year is harder. I say every damn day is just as hard as the last but some days are even harder. The funny thing is, even after the harder than normal days, the normal days don't seem to be any easier, if anything each day becomes more and more bogged down.

Mom has explained to me that she has had to physically make herself get out of bed every day. She told me that during the first year she once wore the same shirt for four days. I have had some very low days, some days where it is literally minute by minute and I don't think I can make it to the next 10 seconds. We've had to go through things we never thought we'd have to deal with after sissy died. Horrible, unbelievably hurtful things have happened and yet I've always been able to get out of bed, I've wanted to get out of bed, to see the kids, to take care of them, to see what they are going to do that day.

Not today.

The past week, and especially today, mom has had to step in and take care of the kids. I slept for two hours on the couch this afternoon, trying to escape my reality. Trying to run away from the fact that five years ago today my daughter was born. Trying to run away from the fact that two years ago my sister was laying in a casket. Trying to run away from the fact that today I can't function. Trying to run away from the fact that things most definitely do NOT get easier. Trying to run away from all the bullshit sayings that aren't even worth repeating here because they are all lies. Trying to run away from the fact that my sister is gone.

I'm not only too tired to run but even if I could this is something I can't outrun.

January 9

2012-01-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

Trina xxxxx xxxxx, 40, passed away from cancer on January 9, 2010 in xxxxx. She will always be remembered as a wonderful wife to her soul mate husband Joshua xxxx, mum to her kind hearted son Asa, loving daughter to her parents {papa} and {Beya}, sissy to Cameo, TT to her niece Valentina, missed by her brother-in-law Norman xxxxx, brother-in-law Todd xxxxxx, mother-in-law Eleanor xxxx, in-law's Barry and Darlene xxxx, along with countess family members and friends. She will join her beloved Grandma and Grandpa in heaven.

She was born August 18, 1969 in xxxx and grew up in xxxxx before calling xxxx her home in 1987.

Trina was a beautiful, strong, confident, intelligent, compassionate woman who lit up rooms and made everyone laugh. She always smiled to everyone she saw. She loved life. She loved trying new food, watching sports, summer time, eating "al fresco", her garden and entertaining company in her backyard. She had an amazing willingness to open her heart up to others and to share her fight with cancer. Trina had the deepest love for her husband their son. She always put her family's needs above her own and was the first to ask what she could do for others. Trina strived to be the best person she could be. Her faith and belief in the Lord never wavered and only became stronger with each passing day as evidenced by her kindness and charity. She took great joy the last months of her life in passing out food and Bibles weekly to those in need on the street.

Trina will be forever missed but never forgotten as she will continue to be a daily part of her family's lives.

She praised God with this prayer several times a day:

"Dear God, thank you for all the miracles you give me every day. You are an amazing and powerful God. You can move mountaings. Thank you for loving me. I love you God. Amen."

A graveside service will be held at 1 pm on Friday, January 15 at xxxxxx followed by a celebration of her wonderful life.

Sorry

2012-01-07T15:05:00.001-08:00

This week has taken more out of me than I thought. The past two weeks have been harder than I thought they would be. I'm dreading the upcoming week just as much. I haven't been able to blog my funny, humiliating stories like I had planned. I just can't. It's too hard.

Sorry.

Here We Go

2012-01-03T10:56:00.000-08:00

Here is my first humiliating story. I don't think mom even knows about this. She will now!

It was around 1987 which would make me about 12-13. Now I grew up without electricity and 10 miles outside of the small town that we called home. A trip to town had to be planned and when we needed the stuff that you get at Target we had to travel almost an hour away. This was considered a big deal, something I'd get dressed up for.

So we (Beya, Papa and me, sissy had already moved out) had to make one of these treks. I tricked out myself wearing some of my wardrobe staples.

A vest like Bono's:

Under a jacket like Bono's (but mine was even uglier):

and topped off with a hat like The Edge:

I also had on black jeans and black boots. Yes, I thought I was one cool chick in black. And of course my hair was bleached blonde, hair curled, bangs teased so high and aqua netted so hard that a tornado wouldn't make it move.

The first thing I did when we got to the BIG store that carried household supplies AND food (just like a WalMart or even Target now) was hit the magazine racks. I loved music and celebrities and this was back in the day before there was the internet. If you wanted to hear about rock stars and actors you had to buy magazines to read about stuff that had happened a month ago.

Since I had to pick carefully which magazine I was going to actually buy with my hard earned money, I would look through a lot of them before deciding. There were so many to choose from. Bop magazine (ugh, so single digit age appropriate), Teen magazine (again, so beneath me), Seventeen (more like it) and the ultimate, Rolling Stone. This is what I usually went with but still had to thumb through some more to make sure.

I knelt down to reach the magazines in the back.

That's when I felt it.

The urge to pee.

Now my hatred of going to the bathroom started way before this and continues to this day. It is such a waste of time and I hate having to go to the bathroom.

The bathrooms were way in the back of the store and I only had an allotted amount of time before mom would be done shopping. There was a chance I might not be able to go through all the magazines.

"I'll go later" I told myself.

I continued to look through the magazines.....and still needed to pee.

"Just one more, then I'll go to the bathroom."

When I finally stood up to head to the bathroom I realized that I had peed my pants, but just a little. I tried crossing my legs and it was like loosely holding a bulging water balloon, ready to burst.

"I didn't need to go this bad when I was kneeling. I'll kneel back down and maybe I can get a hold on it."

I knelt back down and sure enough, the position I was in managed to kink myself enough into holding my pee. As I sat there, still needing to wiggle around a bit to keep it in I began to realize something. I couldn't stay like this. At some point I was going to have to stand up and walk out of the store and into the car. Or stand up and walk to the back of the store and into the bathroom.

Shit.

I was screwed.

I tried using mind over matter and forced myself to stand up and see if I could make it. I stood up and I started to have that warm feeling go through my pants again.

ACK!

What to do?

There was nothing to do. I couldn't stay kneeling so I started to walk to the back of the store hoping I could make it in time to not totally pee my pants.

It didn't work.

The more I walked the more the warm stain grew.

I changed direction realizing there was no point in walking toward the bathroom.

And there wasn't. By the time I reached the front of the store my jeans were wet to the knees.

But I had an empty bladder.

I realized I was no longer the super cool teenage chick dressed all in black. I was now the teenage chick dressed all in black hoping to cover up the fact that I had just peed my pants. I have no idea if anyone could tell as I kept my head down and with the six inch brim of my hat I couldn't see anyone.

And that is story number one, no pun intended.

DONE!!!!

2012-01-02T23:49:00.000-08:00

In what was yet another obsession designed to help take my mind off of which it can never be taken off of, I have redesigned my blog.

Valentine's Day, or as we call it, Valentina's Day. Oh so what if her birthday is two days AFTER Valentina's Day? So sue me. Hell, we've already changed her birthday month so two days isn't going to do anything. I have started to think ahead when she starts school next year and the teacher asks Valentina when her birthday is to compare to the schools records. Ooopsie!!! Luckily our school is small enough that they will be able to understand. I hope.

ANYWAY, since it is midnight and I said I was going to bed 90 minutes ago I will say only this. The next two weeks are such an unbelievable hell that I'm going to use my blog in another way. "What?" you may be asking yourself. "Is she not going to be the down, pessimistic person we've grown to simultaneous hate and barely tolerate?"

Better.

I have decided that I will try to blog every day until January 15th, the day we buried my sister, and I will be writing something so embarrassing about MYSELF. And just in case you were going to write "I know Trina is looking down and laughing right now!" well, please don't because really, you DON'T know that she is looking down and laughing so please don't say that.

Anyway, I already have my first story written in my head and boy is it a doozy.

So to recap, the next 2 weeks are absolute hell for us. I may not be responding to emails, texts, phone calls or door knocks for the next two weeks. Good thing Amanda has our garage code :) But I will be trying to do the opposite, every time I feel such a physical pain of grief I will try to sit down and write something so funny. OH! And I'm also going to take this time to complain.

Complain.

Complain about all the insignificant, stupid, worthless, pieces of shit, specks in the wind "problems" I have and make them seem like a "normal" person's problems. Instead of reading about these "problems" from other people and wanting to yell at them "AT LEAST YOUR CHILD ISN'T DEAD!!! AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T HAVE CANCER RUIN AND STEAL YOUR PERSON! AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE A SEVERELY BRAIN DAMAGED BEAUTIFUL CHILD!" That last one was for Jen because let's face it, EVERYONE'S problems seem so beyond, BEYOND, teeny tiny when you think of what her, Dave and Aviana deal with day in, day out, in limbo.

My goal:

In the next two weeks complain about trivial bullshit.

Write at least 10 embarrassing stories of myself..... or somebody else's if they had the bad luck to have me around. I'm the person who when someone falls in front of me I DON'T ask them if they got hurt and try to help them up. I'm the one who's trying so damn hard to cover my mouth to hide my giggles and also making sure my whole body isn't shaking with laughter at them. Given I have had the opportunity to be around such sad, unlucky people, I think I shall make my goal just fine :)

So there. And please excuse any grammar errors, I'm not re-reading this, I'm off to bed. Kids go back to school tomorrow and I have to get back on my morning routine.

Two Years

2012-01-02T15:21:00.000-08:00

Today is January 2.

Two years ago today is when sissy entered the hospital for what was to be a "routine" blood transfusion as she was feeling weak.

Two years ago today I knew she was dying.

Two years ago today Asa woke up for the first time without his mom as she had already left for the hospital when he got up. Papa stayed at the house so Asa didn't have to get up and come over here.

Two years ago today I ripped down all my outdoor Christmas stuff to help keep my mind busy. It didn't work.

Two years ago today started the worst week.

Two years ago was the beginning of a new decade.

Two years ago was January two.

We had such high hopes for a new decade.

Two years ago........

Today starts us reliving each and every day of the next two weeks.

The two worst weeks of my life.

Maybe.

There have been days and weeks in the past two years that were harder than I ever thought possible.

Two years ago today sissy had a week to live.

Two years is not a long amount of time.

Two years is an infinite amount of time.

Two years has brought an insane, immeasurable, unbelievable amount of change.

Two years.

104 weeks.

730 days.

17,520 hours.

1,051,200 minutes.

Trust me, some of those minutes seemed like hours. Some of those minutes I didn't think I could make it to the next one.

Each one of those 1,051,200 minutes counts.

I Do Not Like

2011-12-31T14:03:00.000-08:00

I do not like when people seem

to get everything they want so easily.

I do not like that my sister is gone

There's something about it that is

wrong

WRONG

WRONG!!!!

I do not like that she had cancer

No one can give me one sane answer.

I do not like that on January nine

Everything fell apart

It's not

fine

FINE

FINE!!!!

I do not like it when people say

"She's in a better place, YAY!"

I do not like to not have my sister

Oh how it physically hurts to

miss her

MISS HER

MISS HER!!!!!

I do not like New Years Eve

Can I have one more normal one,

PLEASE?

One more thing

I do not like about New Years Eve

It was the last time she sat in my house and on my seat.

I do not like that she's not here

To play with us,

To laugh with us,

TO DRINK HER BEER!!!!!

I do not like how this pain never stops

By now my tears have soaked more than thirty mops.

I do not like how we are now just seven, no more eight

CANCER! It's YOU

I HATE

HATE

HATE!!!!

I do not like that PF Changs

used to be so fun

now it hurts my heart like bloody fangs.

But most of all

Above it all

THE THING OF ALL

I do not like

is living and missing

my only and best

dear, sweet,

sissy.

Results

2011-12-27T19:49:00.000-08:00

December is hard enough on its own but we had the extra stress of waiting to hear if mom had cancer.

Yes. Cancer.

As in Beya might have it.

It started off with a gyno appointment for some excessive bleeding. The doctor wanted to do a biopsy just to rule out uterine cancer. Fine.

The pathology report came back inconclusive but "consistent with cancer."

The doctor wanted to wait a few months before doing another biopsy but mom said no, Trina had to wait a month between her diagnosis and starting treatment and during that month the cancer spread like wildfire. I'm so proud of mom for putting her foot down and insisting on another biopsy in only two weeks.

The week of December 12th was horrible.

Wednesday the 14th was sissy's original cancer anniversary, the day I'd take her out and we'd celebrate her being alive.

Thursday the 15th was when mom had her second biopsy.

Friday the 16th was two years ago sissy found out her chemo wasn't working, her tumor marker numbers had doubled and her doctor told her to wait until after Christmas to start her new chemo regimen. He was basically trying to let her have a last Christmas.

Waiting.

Not telling anyone.

Mom didn't anyone to know about this because she didn't want to make a big deal out of something that might be nothing. She even tried to keep it from me, I just happened to overhear her on the phone and sensed something was up so me being me, I didn't stop hounding her until she told me everything.

We were hoping to have the results before Christmas.

That didn't happen.

Today mom started to freak out. We were all scared and it had been two weeks. Mom had an appointment with her PCP and had left a message with her gyno. We went to the doctor and mom asked him if there was ANY way possible that he could look up her test results. He left to take a look. Those three minutes were the longest minutes. I kept thinking to myself "if it's bad he's not going to tell mom. He'll just tell her they haven't come in yet. Or worse he'll say he can't discuss them with her. Unless he tells us things are fine, they aren't."

The doctor came back, sighed loudly and sat down.

My heart stopped and my stomach flipped.

"There's no cancer. There's nothing pre-cancerous. There is some excessive tissue growth that they will probably want to keep an eye on and probably do another check in six months. But there's no cancer."

NO CANCER!!!!!!

Excessive tissue growth that they want to keep an eye on and probably biopsy every six months or so, we can deal with that. That way if it DOES become pre-cancerous they can get it early. And that is IF.

December was rough indeed and Christmas is another blog post entirely but this was good news that I had to post right away.

Whew!

Questions

2011-12-20T09:36:00.000-08:00

I have a million questions that I wish I could ask sissy. So many things that I wonder about. So many conversations we could still have.

Is Tahiti still your dream vacation?

Do you remember wearing black jeans to school?

If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life what would it be?

What is your favorite thing about Valentina?

What is your favorite thing about Asa?

What is the one thing that I do that most annoys you?

Are you still watching "Castle" now that you got me hooked on it?

What is your favorite way of drinking coffee?

Why didn't you tell me you hated the way I had my crosses up all haphazardly?

How can you be so patient with the kids when they play with playdough?

What is it about beer that you love?

Do you still have some of that lemon sugar scrub we bought together?

Do you still use your bath poufs instead of a washcloth?

What is your favorite holiday besides your birthday?

What is your favorite thing about being a mom?

What did you learn most from mom?

Who can you not stand?

Who did you want to win Survivor?

Who did you want to win The Amazing Race?

Should we enter The Amazing Race?

Would you enter Take The Money And Run with me?

How are you sleeping?

What snow cone flavor is your favorite?

Where was the last place you found your napkin that you "tucked"?

What was your dream last night?

What is your favorite Christmas movie?

Do you remember making me our first family ornament when we were still paperchasing and you just wrote "Baby" on it?

What is your favorite outfit of Asa's?

What do you love to see Valentina in?

How do you make your Mexican hot chocolate?

What do you think of Asa playing Star Wars video games?

What new show are you most excited about next year?

Do you still "want to go to there"?

What is your earliest memory?

What do you miss most about Grandma?

What do you miss most about Grandpa?

Are you watching Storage Wars?

What do you want for Christmas?

What..............

So many things I wish I could ask. But when I ask all I hear is silence and unrelenting disbelief that you aren't here to give me an answer.

Sign Me Up

2011-12-12T09:26:00.000-08:00

I had the TV on while doing some other things and kept hearing some strange things. I had to actually rewind and listen to it again to make sure I wasn't listening an SNL skit. Nope, it was an actual commercial. I had to write down some of this shit because I couldn't believe it.

"Walking, eating, driving or engaging in other activities while asleep without remembering it the next day have been reported.

Abnormal behaviors may include:

- Aggressiveness

- Agitation

- Hallucinations or confusion

In depressed patients worsening of depression and risk of suicide may occur. Alcohol may increase these risks.

Allergic reaction such as tongue or throat swelling may occur and may be fatal.

Side effect may include:

- Unpleasant taste

- Headache

- Dizziness

- Morning drowsiness

As your doctor if Lunesta is right for you.

There's a land of restful sleep. We can help you go there on the wings of Lunesta."

Sure, sign me up! I'd love to have those side effects! And uh, I might be pointing out the obvious here but if it is doing what it's supposed to, make you sleep, isn't there a possibility that you wouldn't KNOW your tongue and throat is swelling? I guess that is why it could be fatal. I might Ambishop, Ambiblog or Ambibook without remembering but at least I don't have to sign away my life (literally) or have my license taken away for a sleeping pill.

Therapy Hilarity

2011-12-09T18:21:00.000-08:00

I've had this blog post all written out in my head since Monday but I'm glad I didn't actually write it until today.

First off, today sucks. The 9th sucks. December sucks. 23 months sucks. Everything sucks.

That said, something so damn funny happened while mom and I were waiting in the therapists waiting room Monday. Yes, Beya is coming to therapy with me and I think she gets more out of it than I do. However it is fun to be able to be the one who says "oh, you don't listen to me when I say that but you listen when Dr. B says the exact same thing!"

Anyway, mom and I were waiting and there was a dude talking to the receptionist. It's a very small room as the place is an old house and there are about 6 therapists working out of it. The entire waiting room is about the size of my small dining area. I'm only explaining this because that is why I was able to hear the guy discuss his insurance information with the receptionist. Their conversation went something like this:

Receptionist - Well, Dr. X is considered a third tier on your insurance.

Dude - What does that mean?

Receptionist - The insurance company will cover third tier but you have a very high deductible, $2500, that you need to meet before they will start paying.

Dude - Okay. Then what do I owe for today?

Receptionist - The initial visit is $185.

Dude - I left my checkbook in the car. Let me go get it.

Mom and I watched the guy walk out the front door when I told mom "that guy's getting in his car and going home! Vrrrroooommmm!!!!! That's what I'd do! 'oh, I left my checkbook in my car' You'd be able to hear me pealing out!" Mom and I were laughing so hard that it was very difficult to get it under control when unbelievably the dude came walking back up the front stairs WITH his checkbook. After he paid I turned to mom and said "boy, he's more honest than I am!" This again set us off into a fit of giggles. We couldn't understand why the receptionist wasn't laughing with us. We also didn't understand why Dr. B kept looking at us after we told him the story with a bewildered look on his face, waiting for the funny part. Maybe mom and I found it so funny because that's something I actually did once, only it was a job. It was my first day and when I left for lunch I never went back.

I thought that was the funniest part of the week.

Until yesterday.

I must explain a few things first.

Papa talks. A lot. Sometimes to himself, sometimes to us, sometimes he thinks he's talking to me but I'm not listening. It is not uncommon to be in the living room and hear him talking in the family room while no one else is in there. He can also be sitting down, I'll look over, see his lips moving and know he's having a conversation in his head. Another thing papa does is tell us half stories. He's a news junkie and knows everything that's going on in the world. He literally watches at least 3 hours of news a day. BUT he'll tell us "I heard about that guy, that one that plays sports, something happened to him." Mom or I will follow up with "well, what happened?" and papa's reply is "well, I don't know but I saw that something happened to him, I didn't hear what. Do you know what happened to him?" It drives us crazy! He'll bring up a story but not know "the rest of the story" (my homage to Paul Harvey) and expects us to fill him in on it.

I heard papa doing his usual news half story with mom yesterday and decided to give papa a taste of his own medicine. I was so pleased with my idea I couldn't wait to do it! I came out to the living room, winked at mom and had the following conversation with papa:

me - Papa, did you hear that thing?

Papa - what thing?

me - On the news.

Papa - what happened?

me - Something happened to that guy. On the news.

Papa - Oh yeah! I heard that guy on the news and how he......

Papa actually launched into a story that he had heard on the news. I couldn't believe it. CURSES!!! I was foiled again! Papa went on to talk for another 5 minutes telling me about a real story that I hadn't even talked about. Mom and I were laughing so hard tears were streaming down our faces and of course papa didn't notice because he was busy telling him this story about the guy who did something.

And I thought I was so smart.

Epic fail.

9th9th9th9th9th

2011-12-09T10:51:00.000-08:00

23months23months23months23months23moths23months9th9th9th9th9th9th9th23months

23months23months9th9th9th9th23months9th23months9th23months9th23months23months

23months9th9th9th9th23months9th23months23months9th9th

That is all that is running through my head today.

I'm trying to push out all thoughts and memories of sissy.

But I miss her.

Amazing!!!

2011-12-02T19:41:00.001-08:00

I think everyone who has known me for any substantial amount of time knows how much I support Product (RED) and Africa. I know some people have just now realized what a pandemic Africa is going through with HIV, the drought and lack of food and are now on the bandwagon. They often think they're the first, and loudest, supporters. Really people, this has been going on for decades and that's how long I've been involved. Thanks for finally joining in on the party.

Anyway, so I got my email from Product (RED) today and it warmed my heart to see that Gap has already sold out of their special edition t-shirt! So cool.

Christmas Panic

2011-11-30T21:15:00.000-08:00

I've been doing an advent calendar for the kids ever since Mom gave me this beautiful one that looks like a house with little boxes numbered 1-25 that I had been lusting after. The gifts vary from a quarter, $1, stickers, a treasure hunt leading to a coloring book in the bathtub, etc... Asa and Valentina get so excited about it and start asking around October when they can do "the house" again.

This year I got Asa the Star Wars Lego Advent Calendar! Norm was more excited about it than I was, I thought Asa might be pissed that he didn't get to open a box in the house. I covertly asked him if he would like the Star Wars version and he loved the idea. Needless to say that's all I needed.

Found. Bought. Done.

Valentina.

Oh what to do for Valentina? Norm suggested that we do the regular Lego Advent Calendar since both kids like legos and Valentina might feel slighted if Asa got Lego's every night and she didn't. Again I played secret agent to get her opinion on if she would like a generic Lego piece every night. She scrunched up her face and answered that 4 going on 13 way, "uh, NO!"

Great. So I researched advent calendars on amazon.com. I found a Polly Pocket and Hello Kitty. I showed them both to her and she loved the Polly Pocket. I meant to order it but yesterday I found myself needing something for her (we're starting it early for many reasons) and I had jackshit. Oh, and the stores don't carry any other kids advent calendars except for Star Wars.

BUT, I did find these ADORABLE Hello Kitty lego sets! I fell in love with them. You can collect a whole city and they have a cruise ship, a house, a flower stand, etc... I bought a couple small things along with a big house to give to her for Hanukkah and was so excited to start last night!

I pulled out the Star Wars calendar and Asa was out of his mind with happiness with it. I had managed to open one of Valentina's Hello Kitty sets and crammed the items into one the house's box.

Valentina pulled open the drawer.

I was preparing for her usual scream of delight and thought I might even get her ecstatic jumping up and down.

Valentina loves everything and she's very easy to buy for.

She opened the box.

There was no smile. There was no jumping up and down. There was no squeal of delight.

There was only "mom, I TOLD you I wanted the other one! I wanted the one with the girl!" She meant the Polly Pocket.

I felt as deflated as the white bird on Angry Birds after it drops its egg on the target.

I had decided to let the kids have two gifts. Great. TWO times the disappointment for Valentina and twice the feeling of failure for me.

After she opened the second gift, which was another mini Hello Kitty lego set, she kind of warmed up to it. In fact Beya had bought her one like it a while ago so she went and got that one and played with all three. She loves having a collection of anything. She will gather leaves, rocks, anything and call them her collection. Whew! Crisis averted and I began to feel a little less like I had just let her down in the worst way.

Today mom and I hit Target as the Star Wars lego set Asa wants for Christmas was on sale. I looked at the Hello Kitty lego sets again and fell in love with all of them. I even found some bigger sets that I could take some pieces out and spread them out for a few nights. I also picked up a "collection" of about 12-15 small Hello Kitty figures and was so happy with them. I also bought her the Strawberry Shortcake remote control car that had caused her the meltdown a few weeks ago. It resulted in Valentina clinging to Beya's leg and not letting go even as Beya walked down a whole aisle. Valentina basically swept 25 feet of our local Walmart.

But today I finished buying all the Christmas and Hanukkah presents! Shopping for the kids is complete!

After I picked up Valentina from Grama's she immediately started talking about "the house", asking me to make it a treasure hunt and wondering aloud what she was going to get. Asa, of course, had opened his daily mini set immediately after he got home from school.

"I can't wait to see what I get tonight!" Valentina squealed.

"Would you like it to be another Hello Kitty lego set?" I asked.

"No, I want something else. I wonder what new thing I'll get tonight!"

Again I was left feeling defeated. Why hadn't I learned my lesson and not bought her yet another Hello Kit set? Why, why, why? Mom was cracking up in the passenger seat. Great. Thanks for the support Beya.

"Wouldn't you like a whole Hello Kitty city? A Hello Kitty house?" I begged.

"YES! I want a whole town! I want a house! I want all of that! Do I get that tonight? Do I get a house? I want a town!" Valentina squealed.

FINALLY!!!! The reaction I was looking for! I explained to Valentina that she can't get her whole collection at once, that's the whole point of getting a collection, to get one small thing at a time until you finally have the whole set. We got home and I gave Valentina her new Hello Kitty lego set and she was very happy with it. In fact it even fit in her Hello Kitty tin container that she already had.

Whew.

I finally managed to get Valentina on board with the Hello Kitty theme Christmas I went with.

Christmas panic has finally turned into Christmas calm.

Therapy Sucks

2011-11-27T11:47:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was harder than I expected. The day of and even the day after were ok, it was busy making it bearable, but the days following were when it really hit me.

I've been telling myself, literally saying out loud and thinking to myself for the past 22 months that this isn't real, this hasn't really happened, it's just something I need to get through and then our lives will get back to the real normal. Therapy kind of shatters that illusion. I have to face the stark, harsh, unthinkable reality that yes, it is indeed real. THIS is our life. There is no getting to the other side. This is it. THIS is our normal now.

Last night it it hit home. I went to sleep and I woke up no less than 8 times having the same recurring dream. I was in my psychiatrist's office telling him "no, this isn't real. I can't handle it. She can't be gone. I can't do this." He would just nod his head and say "I'm sorry, it is real" and then I would wake up crying. Needless to say I woke up feeling not too refreshed. Mom was already over when I came out of the bedroom and told her what my nightmares were. She held me while I sobbed and played the role of Dr. H telling me that yes, it is real.

What do I do? I pushed it all aside and told myself again "nope, not gonna do it. I want denial and avoidance again because this shit is too painful. Can't do it. Push it to the side."

So of course I got up, made a cup of coffee and went through the Sunday ads. If indeed this IS real (which I can't deal with the thought of it actually being so) then I have plenty of time to deal with it.

Now is not the time.

Happy Birthday Mom!!!!

2011-11-25T13:12:00.001-08:00

My feelings for mom go deeper and stronger and more emotional than a simple blog post could ever begin to start.

So I will simply say, mom, I love you more than you can ever know.

Baby Girl

Already

2011-11-23T21:12:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

Already.

Already the second Thanksgiving without sissy.

Already the third Thanksgiving since cancer charged in and turned our family upside down.

Thanksgiving already.

I'm very, very proud of mom and me making a whole Thanksgiving dinner for the seven of us. I still go into denial in my head and keep saying "it's not real, sissy just isn't here this year. She's not really dead. In fact it's always been the seven of us. She wasn't even here. That was all an illusion. This life I have now is all that I've ever had." Talk about denial and avoidance!

The next few months don't let up, emotionally. I feel like I need to shut down and hunker down to get through past Valentina's birthday (mid February). After that I'll have a few weeks when I can fall apart but until then I need to keep everything shoved down as much as possible. I don't have the luxury of time or emotional strength to deal with this until then.

Three months. I need to shut down for three months.

Thanksgiving is already here.

Mom's birthday is already here.

Time to get our Christmas tree already.

December 13, 14, 15 and 16 already.

Hanukkah already.

Christmas already.

New Years Eve, the last time sissy was at my house, already.

January 2-9 already.

January 9-15 already.

Get ready for Valentina's birthday already.

Valentina's 5th birthday already.

Valentina's third birthday without her TT already.

Valentina's party already.

After Valentina's party, fall apart.

Already.

Untitled

2011-11-17T17:13:00.000-08:00

This is a mishmash so there is no title.

We were supposed to do a road trip tomorrow (Norm has a meeting out of town) but I've been sick for the past two days and the thought of being in a car for a few hours just to spend one night in a hotel and drive home makes me exhausted. That and the toll it would take on my back just isn't worth it. The kids had two very different reactions when I told them we had to cancel our trip.

Asa - "Cool! Tomorrow is crazy hat day at school!"

Valentina - "Huh. Well you can stay home and we'll go without you!" head flipped around, her long hair almost snapping like a whip behind her and her arms crossed.

So we will be home this weekend.

I'm back in therapy. I'm starting very slowly but I have noticed a decrease in my anxiety attacks. I was having them almost daily and they would last about an hour. I think the last one I had was Tuesday.

Thanksgiving is upon us already. I can't believe it. I can't believe we passed the 22 month mark. I can't believe we're going to cook a Thanksgiving dinner. Well, strike that, we're cooking a family dinner. That is how I am going about this, it is just a family dinner with turkey and the sides. See? I avoid. But I am dealing with it slowly. Dinner will be just the seven of us.

The only time I have ever shopped Black Friday was when Best Buy gave out a free 3 song U2 CD to the first 150 people. This year, however, being as the stores are opening at midnight mom and I are thinking of doing it. Anything for a distraction. Midnight is a whole lot better than 4 am since being up until midnight is a piece of cake, or pumpkin pie as the case may be. Mom wants a tablet so if we can find a great, fantastic, unbelievable deal for one you can bet I'll be one of those who (attempt to) sprint for the prize.

So that is about it. Oh, Valentina sang in the kids choir at last weekends mass (or "mask" as she calls it). I was reminded once again why I don't go to church and don't believe in organized religion for myself.

FEAR!!! FEAR!!! YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH!!! YOU MUST BE GOOD ENOUGH!!! YOU WON'T GET INTO HEAVEN BEING WHO YOU ARE!!! YOU MUST BECOME SOMEONE BETTER!!!! YOU MUST BE BETTER THAN THE PERSON SITTING NEXT TO YOU!!! ARE YOU BETTER THAN THEM??? ARE THEY GOING TO TAKE YOUR PLACE IN HEAVEN??? YOU MUST BE BETTER THAN THEM!! GOD WILL RAIN DOWN HIS WRATH UPON YOU IF YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH!!! GOD WILL BE AN ANGRY GOD IF YOU DON'T DO GOOD THINGS!!! FEAR!!!! YOU MUST LIVE IN FEAR OF NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH!!!!!

Yeah, no thank you. In the wise (paraphrased) words of Jack Nicholson's character, "go sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here."

How true :)

Valentina Explains "Return of the Jedi"

2011-11-12T19:59:00.000-08:00

She is her fathers daughter...... and Asa's sister.

Grief Stricken Or Seven?

2011-11-09T14:38:00.000-08:00

Asa has been throwing fits lately and yesterday was the worst so far. I keep thinking "he's lost his mom, he's finally grieving" but then I wonder if it's just normal 7 year old behavior.

Today after school the kids got to pick out a piece of candy from their Halloween bag, they each have a gallon size bag full of candy. After they had candy Asa announced "I need some alone time", went into his room and shut the door. My heart was breaking as I thinking he was probably thinking about Trina and was sad. Saturday morning he gave me a hug and said "I miss mom." Today is the 9th, which is always hard but I'm always careful to never let on to him that the 9th is any different than any other day. About 10 minutes after he went into his room Beya went in to give him a hug.

Asa was sitting under his desk with the contraband bag of candy, eating it as fast as he could.

I was feeling sorry for him when in reality he was being a normal 7 year old and sneaking candy.

Blech (Again)

2011-11-08T10:47:00.000-08:00

I had therapy yesterday. It's been about a year since I've seen my therapist but I started seeing him about 10 years ago so he knows me inside and out. He doesn't take any of my bullshit and calls it like he sees it. He keeps me in check. Basically he's Beya with a PhD.

Mom went with me to make sure I told him everything. I tried to score extra points by explaining that I've identified my panic attack triggers and when I feel one starting to come on I manage to keep it to a major anxiety attack vs. a full blown panic attack. I was in the middle of one while I was there and he told me that I was doing a good job.....but that they won't stop until I deal with my grief. He also explained that 22 months (tomorrow) is no where near enough time to accept the trauma of sissy being gone.

"You know what therapy is like" he said. "Do you want to do this or do you want to continue with the anxiety and panic attacks? What would you tell your kids to do? What would you want THEM to do?"

See? He's so good. He's just like mom.

So I'm starting weekly therapy again. It sucks and it's draining and it's a lot of emotional work and right now I feel like I have my hands full and can't take on one more thing. But I also know that I refuse to let this overwhelming anxiety and panic take over my life. It got to the point where mom had to drive me to therapy. That is just not acceptable for me.

Back into therapy I go.

My Date With Amanda

2011-11-03T10:01:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago my best friend Amanda asked me if I had plans for that weekend. Her husband and two kids were going to be out of town and wanted to know if I could make time for dinner with her. A chance to get dressed in clothes? And shoes? And a real outfit? For dinner in a restaurant? Without kids? OF COURSE!!!!

"It's a date!" I exclaimed.

Ooops. I had no one to watch the kids. I did some smooth talking and got Norm to watch them while I went out to dinner.

Amanda asked where we should go. I rattled off about six places I COULDN'T go to because of sissy. "Can you work with me here a little bit?" Amanda pleaded.

Our dinner date was set for Saturday night. I even promised to wear my "hooker heels" for the occasion. They are my black patent leather peep toe wooden platform shoes that I love. I am a purse and shoe whore. I love my shoes and I love my purses.

Saturday night FINALLY came and there was a knock at the door followed by silence. Now normally Amanda knows to just walk in the house because I'm too damn lazy to actually get off my ass and answer the door, especially if it's her. Hell, she even has the code to our garage door. But this night was different, this night she waited for me to answer the door, as any good date does. This is what I saw when I opened the door:

Flowers for me!!!! I almost squealed in delight but mostly laughed at how silly and serious we were both taking this.

Off we went to have dinner at one of our favorite Thai restaurants. I did decide against my hooker heels as I was testing them around the house and almost fell several times. Instead I went with my Anne Klein mules. I was almost giddy with excitement. A dinner out with my favorite date!

Our appetizers, salad rolls and lettuce wraps. It was sooooo good. The entrees were delicious, especially after two cocktails.

The evening was full of laughter, girl talk, good food and perfect company. We had to park two blocks away which made me even more relieved that I hadn't worn my hooker heels. I even made it to the restaurant and back to her car before I almost took a tumble. I thought I had made a smooth recovery until Amanda busted a gut laughing and giving me a hard time for almost making it through without falling.

Amanda and me.

Jen, you had asked me if this was my KKMoFo friend.

Yes.

But she is so much more.

I've known Amanda since I was 17. She has been my confidante, my best friend, my shoulder to cry on (literally), my friend who sat in the hospital with my family while sissy was there, the best food bringer (I'm making that a real word) when sissy was going through chemo, the person who I pushed away after sissy died and was there for me when I came back a few months later, my secret holder and my future LLP.

And my KKMoFo friend :)

♥♥♥♥♥I love you Amanda ♥♥♥♥♥

So Angry

2011-11-03T09:52:00.001-07:00

I have discovered the anger and obsession of "Angry Birds." I used to make fun of Norm for playing it. This has surpassed my obsession of "Rummikub" on Facebook.

Anything (and I mean anything) to obsess over to try to keep from thinking that the holidays are here.

Seattle

2011-10-25T09:51:00.000-07:00

Yes, I realize that this post and subsequent photos are more than a month late but hey, I've been busy.

Friday, September 23rd Papa, Beya, the kids and I decided to take a day trip to Seattle as Jen, Dave and Aviana were going to be there and had a few hours free so we were able to have lunch with them!!! Our trip started off as a day trip, then we decided to spend the night, then planned on making a mini vacation out of it and spend two nights and when the time came we ended up going back to our original plan of going up for the day. This is us after all, plans and our family don't really go together very well.

Waiting outside the restaurant for Jen. Between her "brain damage by osmosis" and my not understanding things, communication was totally lost between us so while they were waiting INSIDE the restaurant we waited OUTSIDE. This lasted for about 20 minutes before we both finally figured it out. Guess I can't say she's the only one who's dingy :) The restaurant was at the marina and the kids loved playing around this fountain. The one thing that freaked me out was there wasn't any barrier between the boardwalk and five foot drop into the water. Given how much Valentina loves the water and her fear of nothing I thought for sure at some point we'd be fishing her out of the marina. I'm happy to report that did NOT happen.

You can see here that Valentina caught some serious air. I'm thinking she has a few career options; hurdle jumper, dancer or actor.

I had my camera pointed at Valentina while she was chasing Asa around the fountain and a split second before I took this picture her legs went out from under her on the slippery wood and she went DOWN. It was sooo funny and I was just bummed I hadn't gotten a picture of it.

Getting totally soaked by the water.

I had more than one wet kid!

Inside the restaurant. Poor Aviana was buried under the doll and pillow pet the kids gave her. Aviana is even more beautiful in person than on her blog. Jen is just as sweet and kind in person but also more of a spitfire and such an amazingly dry, dark sense of humor. We get along GREAT!!! We had a great two hour long lunch along with Dave and his sister Dinah. It was a lunch full of laughter and a little crying. It was so nice to be around people who "get it". Our situations are very different but neither one of us would wish what we live with every day on anyone. Well, almost anyone but that's just me being bitchy. Dinah is a very quiet, reserved, kind person. She sat next to mom and they were having a conversation while Dave was dealing with Aviana, Jen and I were talking and the kids were making a racket. I heard Dinah ask mom if she had any other grandkids or if I was the only one who had kids. It just so happened that Jen and I finished our conversation, Aviana relaxed and the kids were quiet when mom explained to Dinah that Asa was Trina's, that Trina had died 20 months ago from cancer and that sissy and I were her and papa's only children. The table fell into complete silence at that moment. Not because we were upset or sad (well we always are but that had nothing to do with why it was quiet). I could see Dinah slink down in her chair wishing the earth would just swallow her up. I knew Jen was thinking the same thing as me, "hahahaha!!!! Glad it wasn't ME!" I almost busted a gut laughing because really, who among us hasn't had one of those moments. I felt bad for Dinah..... but it was still soooo funny!

Outside the restaurant, getting to go our separate ways. Jen, I love you dearly and wish we lived closer to each other! It was one of the best, most cathartic, loving, sad and happy lunches I've ever had. Jen and Dave are truly some of the kindest and REAL people I've ever met! They make such a great team and it's obvious what a fierce love they have for Aviana. And Aviana, what to say but that she is a beautiful child who has been dealt one of the most horrible, evil cards ever to strike an innocent human being. The way the family handles it is with grace, love and quiet frustration. I love them all.

Asa took this picture of Jen, Beya and me. Nice job Asa!

All three kids. Aviana was thinking "ugh, the only way I can get away from these kids who keep burying me is to fake falling asleep. Maybe then they'll leave me alone!" Valentina asks about Aviana several times a week so she was soooo excited to meet her and just loved seeing her. She still asks me how Aviana is doing and when can see her again. Some day Valentina, some day.

After lunch we had plans to have dinner at my cousin's house with his wife and their two kids. Their daughter has the exact same birthday as Asa but she's two years younger. Since their birthdays were in a few days M and B decided to have us over and do a small birthday party for all four kids. Because they live on the other side of Seattle we left downtown and headed over there. At four pm. On a Friday. Traffic was not that swift but since we had time we just relaxed and I showed Asa the hotel where Trina and Josh used to stay when they had money and we passed by the exit of the beach where they would camp out of sissy's Blazer when they didn't have money. We passed by the stadiums where the Sounders, Seahawks and Timbers play and where Norm and I went to see U2 only a few months earlier. We passed by the station where Norm and I used to take the train to Seattle. It was quite a trip down memory lane and since I had to keep my mind on not running into any cars I didn't have time to break down emotionally.

We finally made it across town and had about an hour to kill so we just drove around and the GPS showed that we were really close to a body of water of some sort. We followed the general map and before we knew it we were at a small park right on the Sound!

It was an unusually hot day but it was nice to get close to the water. You can see the kids made a beeline for the swings.

Oh the kids had such a great time climbing and jumping over the logs that had washed up. I kept yelling at them to be careful when in fact it was Papa that fell down!

Valentina has to have a collection of SOMETHING wherever she goes so naturally she found a collection of shells while we were at the waterfront.

We made it to M and B's house and the kids opened an insane amount presents. I didn't get their permission (I forgot to ask) to post pictures so that's why there aren't any clear pics of their kids. I'm not being a totally selfish mom and only posting pictures of my kids.

T and Valentina had a great time playing fairies. The last time they had been together was at Trina's service almost 22 months ago. We walked in the door and they picked up right where they left off. Asa ADORED their baby boy and now he's really wanting a baby brother. I keep telling him no but haven't told him it's not completely out of the question. At this time it is but if there's anything I know for sure it's that we never know what the future holds.

Asa telling us without words what he thought of the evening.

B's dad died suddenly about two months after Trina was diagnosed so it was so good to sit down and talk to her about it and talk about death, living after losing someone so close to you and our thoughts on what happens after you die. It was extremely good therapy to have dinner with yet another family who "gets it". I'm so fortunate to have such a wonderful family be part of my family. My cousin M, Trina and I all grew up together until I was about 7 so we have a bit of history together. He and Trina were really close so we have stories to remember together. He's the closest family member I have other than mom and papa who I have a history with that I talk to. Dinner was again full of laughter and tears. I hated for it to end but it was getting late and we had a two hour drive home so we had to finally shut down the party.

The kids were very excited to drive home in the dark......for about 5 minutes. Then they just wanted to get home, NOW. Of course we got stuck in construction traffic at 10 pm that held us up for an hour. We finally pulled into the driveway at midnight. It was an extremely long day but well worth it, even the screaming fit Asa had about 45 minutes from home and the resulting sobbing from Valentina. Mom and I had to just let go and laugh at them or else we were going to go crazy.

Thank you to everyone for such an amazing day that I will remember forever.

I just wish sissy could have been there.

Nicole

2011-10-24T09:37:00.000-07:00

I "met" Nicole on the adoption.com message boards during the start of our adoption process. I had noticed that although we lived on opposite ends of the country we were using the same adoption agency. I private messaged her and found out we had quite a bit in common and some things were totally different. I told her I was envious of her "glamorous life" (she takes the train to work, how cool is that?!) and she loved reading about sissy's and my relationship.

Not only did we use the same agency but for a brief time her son was in the same hogar as Valentina.

As is normal with life after our kids came home we became busy with them and our emails started to become less and less frequent.

Nicole is so kind and sweet and she emailed me periodically after sissy was diagnosed. She would cry with happiness and sadness with each peak and valley of sissy's cancer. After Trina died, as I did with 99% of my friends and family, I shut down and didn't talk to anyone.

I recently made contact with Nicole again and we have picked right up where we left off. She is once again leading a glamorous life, being profiled in a coffee table book on adoption!!!! I urge you to check out the link to the pictures that are being compiled to make up the book. You can see just how beautiful Nicole and her family are, inside and out.

The Sweet Life

Avoiding

2011-10-21T20:22:00.001-07:00

I was watching Cookie Monster the other day on "Sesame Street" (yes Holly and Amanda, I actually nutted up and watched a fucking puppet show. I bet THAT'S what made me pass out!) and his way of halted talking cracked me up. Today I've had his voice running through my head:

Must stay busy.

Busy make neck and back hurt.

Hurting make me not think of emotional pain.

Emotional pain bad.

Physical pain better than emotional.

Busy, busy, busy.

Bake, bake, bake.

Cook, cook, cook.

Cater to children keeps me busy.

Beya really sick.

Beya not be with me.

Me miss Beya.

Must stay busy to not think of Beya.

Beya sick make me think of sissy sick.

Valentina grieving.

Valentina crying a lot over TT.

Valentina grieving make heart hurt.

Hurting heart not good.

Sissy gone.

Don't think of sissy gone.

Don't think of fun with sissy.

Don't think of sissy.

Can't stop thinking of sissy.

Me miss sissy.

Must stay busy.

Busy, busy, busy, busy, busy, busy, busy.

Therapy Already

2011-10-19T13:51:00.000-07:00

No, I haven't seen my therapist yet but I had a GIANT therapy session with a total stranger Sunday. I have a "no soliciting" sign on our front door because we were getting at least 3-5 people a week trying to sell me something. One time I had some dude come by and try to sell me his landscaping skills. Purely for shock value (and it was the truth) I told him "nah, I have a Mexican who does it for really cheap", meaning papa. The look on this guys face was totally worth it.

Anyway, Sunday I had some Bible thumper come by. This isn't the first time I've had one come by since sissy died but the kids are always swarming me and I can't really have an in depth conversation. Sunday I managed to go out on the front porch, shove the kids inside and shut the door.

This was a conversation 21 months in the making.

I had SUCH a great time!!!! I almost felt bad for the guy. Our conversation went a little something like this:

Dude - Hi, we're (he had some 8 year old boy with him in a suit that was 3 sizes too big) just out talking about God's love and wondering if you had a few minutes so we could talk to you.

Me (arms folded, smiling smugly and gearing up for a conversation) - Actually my sister died of cancer 21 months ago.

Dude - Oh, I'm so sorry, I know what that's like, a friend of mine just died of cancer. Do you feel like God let you down?

Me - No. I know God didn't want her to die.

Dude (surprised) - Oh. So you believe in the Bible and God.

Me - No, I don't really believe in the Bible. I believe in God and I believe in miracles but we don't always get what we want.

Dude - So you have faith then?

Me - No. My sister had faith up until the day she died. The doctors gave her 2-5 years to live and she died 8 months later.

Dude (very sadly) - Oh, so you feel like God let her down?

Me - No I don't.

Dude (very confused now) - So you don't feel like God her down?

Me - No, I know God didn't let her down. There are people that get healed and there are people that died and we never know which way it's going to go.

Dude - So you believe that Bible shows you things, right?

Me - No. I don't really believe in the Bible.

Dude (now desperately wishing he had paid attention to my no soliciting sign) - Well the Bible is a very powerful thing and God has shown people passages in it.

Me - I know. I felt like God had shown me passages too but they didn't turn out. My parents were positive that God had shown them things in the Bible while my sister was sick but they didn't come true. The mind is a very powerful thing that can make us see and believe things that aren't there and aren't real.

Dude (trying very hard to get me to admit that I was angry with God) - So you feel like God let your parents down.

Me (still very calm and holding my own better than him at this point) - No, I don't. God doesn't want bad things to happen. Horrible things happen all over the world every second of the day. God can't intervene in every situation. I don't blame God but I feel like the Bible is a giant game of telephone. Things always get confused and convoluted every time something is translated or revised. It would be impossible for the Bible to be that old and transcribed that many times and have everything still be exactly the same.

This went on for about 20 minutes before the dude finally realized he couldn't get me to be angry with God no matter how many ways he phrased it or asked it. He was very confused as to how I could believe in God but not take the Bible as, well, scripture. He finally walked away without handing me any of his paperwork trying to save me, I think he figured I was a lost cause.

It felt SO GOOD to say my beliefs, and somewhat lack of, to someone who considered themselves an expert and hold my own.

Now THAT was a good (and free) therapy session!

*I didn't re-read this post so please excuse any typos or errors in grammar.

McDone With McMexi

2011-10-14T17:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, you read that right. I'm done with McMexi's office. I only see him in passing about twice a year and McGayer is my "doctor". He's not very good. He's not very sympathetic. I know nothing can be done about my chronic pain but when I go in there, crying with frustration over not being able to wash Valentina's hair, not being able to cook dinner without paying for it by being laid up the next day, not being able to travel more than 20 minutes without paying for it for a week and he simply waits for me to finish my sentence so he can tell me how he and his husband rearranged their furniture, well, I'm McDone with him.

I went and saw my PCP (primary care physician) today. He said he can write my prescriptions and handle my "pain management" for me. Because nothing can be done that's all that IS done. I know there's no miracle breakthrough, trust me, I KNOW there's no miracle coming, but all I want is for someone to listen and UNDERSTAND me when I bitch about my spine feeling like it's a corkscrew driving down my back.

I also had something else to talk to my doctor about.

I fainted.

Wednesday night Norm and I were getting ready to head to bed, I was going through my wallet to see how much cash I had when I was able to tell Norm "I feel a panic attack coming on". That's it. I went down. I don't remember anything after that. Norm had his back to me and the way he tells it is he heard a THUMP, turned around and saw me flat on the floor, my eyes rolled back into my head, arms over my head, money clutched in both hands. He laughed about it later and said he should have taken a picture (supportive husband, I know, haha) but at the time he said he was freaked out. I guess it took about 30 seconds for him to shake me awake. I felt kind of weak and fuzzy the rest of the night and in the morning but nothing major. However I was glad that I already had the doctors appointment made.

So, the verdict?

I need to grieve.

I've had four panic attacks and they have all been during something extremely emotional. My first one was at group grief counseling after I yelled at the 12 year old "counselor" who had never lost anyone close to him but somehow found himself qualified to lead a grief group. The second one was at the U2 concert. 'Nuff said. The third one was during one of Norm's work meeting dinners while we were in Boise and I wore my shoes that I wanted to badly to show sissy. This last one, well, I had a hard time pinning that one down but I thought about it and earlier in the night Valentina had talked a lot about sissy while I was putting her to bed and mom had told me she and papa were going to be gone this weekend. Bam! Double whammy.

So there you have it. Because I internalize things and I can only handle so much before breaking, it's coming out in physical ways. My doctor said I need to talk, think and work with my grief instead of pushing it to the side, trying with all my might that it's not real, that this didn't really happen. I had printed up some new pictures of sissy and me to put in my frames before Asa's birthday party but it's like I didn't SEE them. I saw them but didn't LOOK at them, I couldn't let myself look at them or remember how much fun we were having in the picture. McSoccer (my PCP, he used to coach his sons' soccer teams and always asks how Asa is doing in soccer so that's his name now) told me that I already have two strikes against me, my pain and my bipolar. If I don't work on this in about 5 years it will catch up to me and I'll end up in the loony bin.

Blech.

But I don't wanna deal with it! (I always think of how Seinfeld whined "but I don't wanna be a pirate!). Like mom says though, "how's it working for you to not deal with it?"

Step one. Start seeing my therapist again. It's been over a year since the last time I saw him. I quit going because I didn't want to cry and deal with things and when you're in therapy you can't really avoid things. See? I avoid.

Avoiding isn't working. So I will start seeing my therapist.

Blech.

I still don't wanna deal with it. But I will for the kids because even more than I don't wanna deal with it, I don't wanna end up in a loony bin.

So I will start to grieve.

Blech.

Happy 7th Birthday Asa Boy!

2011-10-10T22:01:00.001-07:00

I'm finally getting around to blogging about Asa's birthday party. As stated before Asa insisted on having a Star Wars theme surprise party. Asa was so shocked, surprised and very happy when he walked in the door to 10 of his friends and a house full of people.

SURPRISE!!!!!

I love how Valentina is trying to hug her brother.

All the kids at the dining room table. You can see my newly painted wall to the left. This was a pain and mom ended up painting it twice as I couldn't get the right color. I like the color we ended up with although I wouldn't have minded it a few shades lighter. We also painted the entryway the same color.

I stressed and obsessed over Asa's cake for about a week. After scouring the internet I finally ended up taking a copy of a clone trooper from one of Asa's books, blowing it up and cutting it out of these sugar sheets that I found at a craft store. I was pretty happy with how it turned out.

Chocolate cake and an ice cream sandwich makes for one very happy birthday boy.

Asa had been surrounded by all of his friends so this was the first time I had a chance to ask him what he thought of his party. I told him I loved him and he smiled at me said "I love you too sissy. This is AWESOME!" My heart melted and exploded at the same time.

The loves of my life and me.

Of course it's not a Fiesta de Cumpleanos without a pinata.

And it's not OUR Fiesta de Cumpleanos without it being McGhetto style!

As you can see in the picture with Asa, he has a pink scarf over his eyes. After he hit the pinata a few times we realized that it wasn't going to hold on much longer so Asa's soccer coach took the pink scarf and tied it around the entire pinata.

So that is how Asa's 7th Birthday party went down. I'm still waiting for my camera to be sent back to me so hopefully I'll be able to post our my lunch with Jen, Gary, Aviana aand Dinah. A great time was had by all and then we capped off an already great day with a wonderful dinner. More on that when I get the pictures. Thank you for your patience!

Blech

2011-10-05T12:39:00.001-07:00

We have been sick. Everyone got sick. I started it off Thursday night with some pretty violent vomiting. It was pretty bad and constant. I couldn't keep anything down yet I was so thirsty. The worst part was the fact that I couldn't keep my pain meds down which means I had no pain meds. In the past I've toyed with the idea of going off my pain meds, taking it easy and maybe try to get pregnant to have another kid. After what I went through with not being able to take my meds I know that is no longer possible. I was in the worst pain I've ever had. My spine felt like it was a giant corkscrew with a big 'ol knot at the top that just kept digging into my back. And my hips felt like they were a piece of fried chicken being ripped and gnawed apart. Mom kept asking me if I wanted to go to the ER to get a pain shot but I knew I wouldn't be able to make the drive. Luckily the throwing up and diarrhea last only "only" about 12 hours. I lost 10 lbs in less than 3 days. It was horrible. I literally slept 45 minutes Thursday night. Friday afternoon Valentina came down with it. Again about 12 hours of vomiting. Asa started it early Sunday morning along with Papa although Papa never threw up. Mom is feeling queasy but is okay. It's been almost a week and I'm still kind of weak and my stomach isn't back to normal.

So that's why I haven't written Asa's birthday post.

Asa just went back to school today. He's still a little queasy and not eating much, same as Valentina. In fact she was over it Saturday but Sunday morning she woke up vomiting. I'm so tired of puke!!!!

The past two days my nerves have been shot. Gone. Nada. Asa's birthday is always so difficult to get through but I manage to obsess about the little things to keep my mind occupied and then I emotionally crash the day or two afterwards. Well I haven't had the time to since our whole house has been sick. Everything has been annoying me, my mind can't turn off and it's like every noise is amplified. Of course Valentina has been talking nonstop which is just dandy when I'm in these ruts. I even upped my xanex and it still hasn't helped.

Yesterday I had it. I was done. I couldn't take it one more minute. So what do I do? Why change my home decor of course! Down came all the teal and apple green things and up went the red and green. Normally the changing of the decor is so hard as it represents just another season without sissy but the visual of the summer things just shouted in my head "SICK!SICK!SICK!VOMIT!" so I was glad to get rid of it.

So that is what we've been up(chucking) to.

The F Word

2011-10-04T12:56:00.000-07:00

ONE

Seriously?

2011-09-28T16:40:00.000-07:00

I hate it when people copy me. Now I know I'm super cool and all (sarcasm font please) but really, when I go to another blog and see that they have done the same thing as me, use the same phrases as me and do almost the exact same layout as me, well, it's really fucking annoying. And I know it's copied after me because it's someone I know and who knows me and has copied other things in my life too.

Whew!

2011-09-26T18:36:00.001-07:00

Today is Asa's birthday so of course yesterday was his SURPRISE birthday party. It went perfectly! He was so surprised and all the kids were great. There were 9 kids and about 25 adults, just the right amount of people for the house to not feel cramped. Asa said it was his best birthday ever.

Friday was cram packed full.

We drove to Seattle to have lunch with.........JEN!!!!!! I can't wait to write all about it but in a nutshell I felt like I had known Jen all my life. We talk on the phone and when we (finally, haha) met at the restaurant I just sat next to her and it was like we had always known each other. She is one of the most genuine, REAL, extraordinary, funny, self deprecating, loving, (dingy) and generous person I've ever met. Friday deserves it's own blog post and I'm going to write it as soon as I get the pictures from my camera........which I have to wait til Friday to get since I forgot it at my cousin's house in Seattle. Luckily Norm is working there all week so he's able to pick it up.

Speaking of my husband, I feel like I won't remember who he is. He had to leave the party early to drive back up to Seattle for work this week. He no sooner comes home Friday night and then has meetings all day Saturday and Sunday morning he flies out for more meetings and won't be home until Tuesday night.

I'm so grateful to have my parents. Beya and Papa did more than help me for the party, they DID the party and Josh paid for it so really all I had to do was throw it.

I feel like I've been running on adrenaline for the past two weeks and now I'm totally going to crash both emotionally and physically.

So I have two posts to write, Asa's birthday party and Friday's Seattle trip so stick around.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASA BOY!!!!!

Asa, you are now my SEVEN year old boy and I couldn't love you any more than I already do!

I GOT IT!!!!!!

2011-09-21T07:53:00.000-07:00

I'm so damn excited that I won an ebay auction for Asa's AT-AP Walker!!!! I pick it up this afternoon. $36!!! No box but hell, $36 with no box or $125 sealed in box. Hmmm.... wonder which is better.....

Thank you sissy!

Shhhh..........

2011-09-20T14:50:00.000-07:00

We've got a busy weekend coming up. We're going out of town for the day. We were going to be gone for 2 nights and then we changed it to 1 and now I think we're just going for the day. There are several (boring) reasons why we decided to just be gone for the day but we're going to see some super special people that I can't wait to see!!!! We are also going to see my cousin, his wife and their 2 kids. Their daughter and Asa have the same birthday so we're going to do a lowkey dinner/combined birthday party. I'm excited to see them also.

We also have a soccer game and Sunday is Asa's surprise birthday party!!! I'm hoping the weather will be nice so we can do it outside and so far the forecast is calling for dry but overcast. Anything other than rain and I'll be a happy camper.

Birthdays for the kids are always hard. I don't remember any of them since sissy died. I see photos of them so I have proof that we actually had a party but I have no memory of it. I was watching the news over the weekend and saw that both Kara Kennedy and Eleanor Mondale died on the same day, both at 51. Kara's daughter had a birthday just a few days later and mom and I gasped when we heard that. How horrible for them! How could they live through that? Not only did her family have to deal with her dying but then a birthday so close to it? I was just thinking "how? How can one family do that?"

Then it hit me. WE did that.

Sissy died 5 days before Valentina's birthday.

Jen asked me a funny question when I was talking to her one day. "When is Valentina's birthday?" She laughed once she realized what she was asking me as I had just blogged how confused I get when someone asks me when it is. Jen followed up with "nevermind! I know how difficult that question is for you!" We laughed and laughed.

Sunday is Asa's party and Monday is his actual birthday. I'm getting all my melancholy shit out now because when I write his birthday post I refuse to have anything of a downer in it.

So that's it. Busy busy busy which is always good. And again, so far I love Asa's 1st grade teacher. We've really lucked out thus far. I'm both dreading and looking forward to next year when both kids are in the same school. I know Valentina is going to have a very hard adjusting to full days in school but it will be best for her. I want to cry just thinking about it and I know it's going to be difficult but I can't homeschool her, it just wouldn't be right for her. She needs to be around other kids and follow a schedule. It took her all year to get used to pre-school and this year she's doing better. I know "real" school is going to be harder but again, it's not about me and what I want, it's about what is best for her. Sucks being a parent sometimes and making those hard decisions, don't it?

WANTED!!!!!

2011-09-17T18:21:00.001-07:00

I'm on the search for a Star Wars Lego #7671 AT-AP Walker for Asa's birthday. If anyone has one or knows of anyone who has one or knows of anyone who knows of anyone who has one, please let me know. It doesn't need to be in a sealed box but it does need to have the box and all the pieces, including the minifigs. I'm stalking a few on ebay.

Thank you!

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

2011-09-11T08:40:00.000-07:00

Beya and Papa went to the cabin yesterday. My great friend had told me Friday night that the house was safe and the fire was about a mile north of it. What great news! I know, the fire was a whole MILE away!!! Before that would have sounded close, now it seems like 60 miles. But mom and papa were able to get in yesterday. Mom said the sky was even blue. They contemplated spending the night but mom knew I would have fuh-reaked so they didn't put me though that. Thank you mom!

They packed up a few things just on the off chance that the winds pick up and the fire takes a turn. We got the pictures. a few things from Guatemala, a few items of my grandparents and oh, the most important, the kids' big bears. They SCREAMED with delight when mom walked through the door last night with those in hand.

So everything is ok and I'm glad the cabin didn't get burned up.

Fire Update Part II

2011-09-09T20:29:00.000-07:00

The fire had hit the end of our driveway as of this afternoon. Our driveway is about a half mile long. There is only one way in and out of the cabin and that is where the fire is.

There is a list of people that the officials are notifying when that persons home or property has been lost. Fingers crossed, Beya and Papa are not yet on that list.

Again, a big thank you to my friend who is keeping me updated with the most accurate and latest information. Thank you, YOU! You know who you are!!! I love you.

Fire Update

2011-09-09T17:50:00.000-07:00

Below is a map of the forest fire that is threatening Beya and Papa's house. I've erased some of the roads out of privacy. The red area is the fire. The yellow square is our house. Each square in the map is 1 mile. As you can see, it's right about a mile away. It all depends on the wind. The firefighters are amazing, they work around the clock and trust me, they don't do it for the money!!! One of my oldest and closest friends was a firefighter and let me tell you, it's in their blood. They are some of the most heroic people I can think of. So far about 30+ houses have been burned. It could go either way. And again, either way there's nothing we can do about it.

Alarming Fire

2011-09-08T19:56:00.000-07:00

There's a big forest fire that was many miles away from my parents cabin. No more. I got a text from a really close friend with inside information and she's been keeping us updated.

The fire, as of about an hour ago, was a mile and a half away and headed straight for the cabin.

To lose my childhood home wouldn't be the worst thing to happen to us in the past 2 years but it still isn't on my top things of what I want to happen either.

I was talking to mom about it and I told her that I wanted the pictures. All of my childhood pictures with sissy are in the cabin. It's where sissy and I grew up together. It's where I lived from the time I was 5 until 17. Trina loved going to the cabin after Asa was born. I began to tolerate it after Valentina came home. It's out in the middle of nowhere and I just feel so isolated out there that it makes me sad but mom, papa and Trina have always loved it. Valentina and Asa love going there. I haven't been there since way before sissy died.

The pictures. I want the pictures. Then again like I told mom instead of growing old with sissy and being able to talk about all of our escapades all I have is a fucking notebook with things written down.

I still don't want our house to burn. I really don't.

Missing

2011-09-07T16:59:00.001-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while. I mean really, emotionally laid things out there. There's a couple of reasons.

First, I hate for this to be just a dumping ground. Nobody wants to read that. I hate to be so negative all the time with my writing so when I get really down I don't like to write.

Second, things have been busy. Kids starting school, kids starting soccer, kids getting sick from starting school, making lunches, schedules again, etc....

Third, my back and neck were super bad. I never recovered from the drive to Boise.

Fourth, I've been struggling to find the right color for my entryway and one wall in the dining room.

Fifth, Asa has decided that he wants a suprise birthday party. As luck would have it we're having the party the day after we get back from a little getaway.

So that's the gist of it.

Busy, busy, busy, sad, sad, sad, stay busy to keep from being too sad, repeat.

However one thing that has SUCKED is the last three nights I've had dreams of sissy. I cannot stress enough how much I hate dreams like this. They are always in the same. She's been gone and she comes back but only for a scant amount of time so we have to cram as much talking and laughing into this short amount of time because at any given moment she's going to die again. And when she comes back she's healthy, she doesn't have cancer but she's going to die. In one of them we were on the phone talking and I laughed to her "I had forgotten how much it was just to talk on the phone with you!" It's the little things I miss so much about her. I (mom) painted the entryway and I didn't like the color. I wanted so badly to ask sissy what she thought of it. We BBQ'd over Labor Day weekend and the table would lapse into quiet silence every so often. You wouldn't think that it could be so quiet with 9 people (two of them children) but I kept thinking "if sissy was here we'd be laughing so hard".

I miss her. I miss her so much. I miss having a sister. I miss having someone who grew up with me and knows me inside and out. I miss teasing her. I miss her teasing me. I miss her voice. I miss the scar on her hand. I miss the way she would hug me and I always thought how small her body frame was. I miss talking to her about tv. I miss the two of us getting so excited over the Fall TV Season. I miss being normal. I miss Asa saying the word mum mum. I miss Valentina saying TT. I miss the phone ringing and having it be her on the other line. I miss mom's cell phone ringing and her answering the phone in the tone that always let me know she was talking to her oldest daughter. I miss us. I miss the family we used to be.

In Our Future I See, A Road Trip To Boise

2011-08-30T06:22:00.000-07:00

Norm has to travel for meetings at least one weekend every three months. We've decided (for him) that we're going to tag along on these quarterly travels. He never used to let me go as these were his "guy weekends, full of work and I wouldn't have any time to spend with you", not understanding that that would be the whole point of me going with him, for me to get away from everything! But since sissy died (and with the help of our marriage counselor) he has seen that we need getaways too.

So! Thursday, August 18 was sissy's birthday. It was also the first day of meetings that Norm had in Boise. Papa had to work so Beya and I packed up the kidditos and drove the 400 miles to Boise, Idaho. We left at 7:30 am while Norm's flight didn't leave until 11 am.

The four of us stopped about 80 miles into our road trip for breakfast.

About halfway to Idaho Valentina had had enough. She is so hot blooded (I know people say this is a myth but I believe it when it comes to her, she is ALWAYS hot) and of course her side of the car was in the sun.

This was our lovely view of dry sagebrush for almost 2 hours. Where is the sarcasm font?

Finally! The green cornfields of Idaho! Plus we passed into a new time zone which I think I was more excited about than the kids.

We pulled into the parking lot of the hotel at 6pm which means it took us 9 1/2 hours to drive there. Never mind the 30 mile detour we took to find a Dairy Queen but it is mandatory stop on a road trip with our family (i.e. me). I called Norm to see what room number he was in and wouldn't you know it, he hadn't even checked in yet, he was still in the lobby. Technically he didn't beat us, despite flying there.

FYI, if ever in Boise, Idaho, do NOT stay at the DoubleTree Riverside. I sure it was a rockin' hotel back in it's heyday of 1972 but I swear it hasn't been cleaned since then and it obviously hasn't been updated as evidenced by the giant, heavy, oak table as seen in this picture. I finally introduced the kids to room service. Again, I was more excited about this than they were. After our trip I asked them how they liked room service. Asa's answer was "I didn't care for it much." But boy he sure gobbled up the food! One upside to being in an old "Mad Men" era hotel is that the prices don't seem to have changed for the kids menu. Everything was either $2.99 or $3.99. My turkey sandwich, on the other hand, was $15. I guess that's because I special ordered it. Who the hell doesn't have a turkey sandwich on their menu? Plus I didn't ask for any side items so I assume there was a "no side surcharge" for that. It was a kick ass sandwich or else I was super hungry.

Friday we met my friend Jaimee at a park. Jaimee and I became blogger friends during our adoptions through Guatemala. Her Bela came home a few months after Valentina. I was so happy to finally meet her after almost 5 years of emails and blog posts. She was so busy and had meetings up the wazoo all day but she made time in her schedule to see us and bring her three amazing kids.

This picture of Valentina cracked me up because I didn't know that there was another one of these "horns" on the other side, just out of sight of this picture, that she and Asa were talking to each other through. Here I thought she was just randomly shoving her head into a cone.

I liked this picture of the back of Dominic, Asa, Diego and Valentina. I just wish Bela had been sitting down too.

There's Bela!

I took at least five pictures of the five of them and yet not one of them all smiling and looking at the camera! L-R is Bela, Valentina, Dominic, Diego and Asa.

Jaimee has blogged about how funny Dominic is and I didn't understand it until I met him. Oh.My.Gosh. Beya and I laughed so hard at him! He is just a comedian. He would stand at the far end of the park and start yelling at Jaimee "MOM! CAN I GO OVER THERE? MOM! CAN I GO OVER THERE? MOM! CAN I GO OVER THERE? WHY NOT? WHY NOT? WHY NOT?" Jaimee was great and brought juice and goldfish boxes to the park and again, Dominic would ask loudly with his big floppy lips that made me laugh "MOM! IS THAT MY JUICE BOX? MOM! CAN I HAVE ANOTHER JUICE BOX? MOM! IS THAT MY GOLDFISH?" Of course the more mom and I laughed the more gas it added to his comedic fire. I could have just sat and listened to Dominic all day.

But alas, Jaimee had to go back to work and we had a date with the pool. The hotel was shitty but the pool was great!

It's not a pool day without sissy's favorite chips and salsa! The kids didn't really want them but I bought them anyway and whaddya know, the kids ate them up! Mom and I also had a drink and cheer-ed to sissy.

Saturday morning we packed up and were headed to breakfast when we ran into Norm in the hallway. His meetings were done for the day and his flight wasn't until 4pm. We ate and headed home. About 15 minutes into our drive Valentina started crying. She wasn't feeling too good and sounded like she was going to throw up. Oh boy, this was going to be a long drive home! Because she did so great on the drive there I had completely forgotten that she gets carsick. I gave her Tylenol, let her pick the movie for the portable DVD player and shortly thereafter her nausea stopped. Whew! Close one! Asa had one meltdown at the first rest area we stopped at but that was it.

Crossing back into Oregon and back into our time zone.

We got home at 7:30 pm and clocked in at 883 miles..... and still beat Norm! I had to pick him up at the airport.

It's been over a week since we got home and I still haven't recovered physically. Poor Beya has been running around taking up the slack since I've been laid up.

This week school starts, soccer starts, appointments for this, after school schedules for that and the like. We are making time for a mini getaway next month. We're going to see a few friends and family members.

So that was our road trip to Boise, Idaho. We were there less than 48 hours, spent about 18 hours on the road, the bottoms of our socks turned brown in the hotel room, it was also a room where brass and oak went to die BUT the food was good, we got to meet Jaimee, Diego, Dominic and Bela, the pool was awesome and we had a great time during those 18 hours in the car.

It was all good.

Never Ceasing

2011-08-25T19:14:00.000-07:00

The human brain never ceases to amaze me. It's as if giant parts of it just have to turn off because in order for them to work the amount of emotional pain it would cause would be just unbearable.

It never ceases to amaze me that I'm able to drive my car when my sister is dead.

It never ceases to amaze me that I can write that sentence without having a total breakdown every time.

It never ceases to amaze me that I HAVE to write that sentence.

It never ceases to amaze me that I'm able to laugh and actually appear normal when inside nothing could be further from the truth.

It never ceases to amaze me that my mind is constantly screaming at me that my sister is gone.

It never ceases to amaze me that we all lost such an integral part of our family.

It never ceases to amaze me that my life is real when it all seems so surreal.

It never ceases to amaze me that I don't have my sister.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

2011-08-21T10:01:00.001-07:00

That's what my grandma always used to say whenever we got home from somewhere.

We just got home last night after driving to Boise, Idaho and spending less than 48 hours there. Norm had meetings there Thursday evening, Friday and Saturday morning. We had nothing better to do and since Thursday was sissy's birthday we found the timing perfect to get the hell out of town and do something different. Mom and I made the 8-10 hour drive with the kids while Norm flew. Going down there it took us about 10 hours and coming home it was about 8.5 hours. It was just what we needed, when we needed it and there were plenty of things that went awry to make us laugh uncontrollably. There was also plenty of pain of not having sissy with us. All in all it made for a really great trip. I'll be posting pictures after I get unpacked and everything put away, which everyone knows is the worst thing about taking a vacation, even if it is for only three days.

Happy Birthday Sissy

2011-08-17T23:02:00.001-07:00

I'm writing this an hour before your real birthday, August 18, but that's because I think it will be too hard to write it tomorrow.

I miss you terribly. There are times when it seems like a dream that you were even here. Even though you are CONSTANTLY on my mind, I spend a lot of time trying to shut it out because it's still unfathomable that you aren't here with me.

I'd like to think that you are watching over us and yet I don't want to think of you going on without us when we can't have you with us. I also find it a bit curious that there is ALWAYS a song playing wherever I go that makes me think of you or had significant meaning to the two of us.

Tomorrow you would have been 42. Remember when we were younger and people in their 40's seemed sooooo old? It's hard to believe that it was 12 years ago when I threw you your 30th birthday party. You had so much fun! I'll never forget the way you were drinking in the middle of a bunch of people, I saw you keel over and then pop back up exclaiming "I'm ok! I'm ok!" I think you went on to drink for a few more hours before you finally called it a night!

And that evening when mom, you and me were drinking on my back deck and we were trying to figure out a way to pay for a trip back to Barcelo in the Mayan Riviera. You came up with some pretty creative ideas! Speaking of which, the time we did go was my absolute, perfect vacation of a lifetime. Even with that ferry ride to Cozumel when I had a panic attack.

I talk about you every day to the kids. Oh man, you would be so enamored with YOUR Vali! She is so much like you it's eerie. She loves life and enjoys everything, just like you. She has plans to look up to heaven tomorrow and yell "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TT!!!!" She is so excited to get old, die and go to heaven to see you. I wish I could believe that's how it works but we don't know for sure.

Asa, however, is a bit more scientific and isn't quite sold on that idea. He has said that you are in space. He is such a little man. His reading is absolutely perfect! He's so smart and still loves to watch his science shows. His soccer skills are outstanding. He is his own person and yet sometimes I can't help but be reminded that he is your son, especially when he does something that is just like you.

I cut my hair and I hate it. You would have been so upset with me, you always told me to keep my hair long. This is the first time I've had it super short and I wish I would have had you to tell me how horrible it is. I went to the same place that gave you your mullet! The lady wasn't bad, she did a pretty good job with it given what she had to work with. I had whacked at it several times so it was pretty uneven.

OH! I bought the CUTEST pair of shoes!!!! I love them. I thought they were similar to the Christian Louboutins that Carrie wore on "Sex and the City" in the episode where Miranda has Brady but I actually found a pair of Badgley Mischka's online that are almost identical. My shoes were on clearance for $16!!! Remember how we used to say that there is no feeling like buying a pair of shoes that you love? I adore these and now I have a fake pair of Badgley Mischka/Christian Louboutin's and faux Manolo Blahniks.

I need a new pair of glasses but I don't want to get them because you helped me pick out my current pair. For a split second I think "I can't change them because sissy won't recognize me if I have new glasses." The same thing with newer car, I can't sell my car because it's what we always drove around in and I can't bear the thought of not having it anymore.

I still have your medication in my fridge. Remember how it used to be so annoying when it would fall out of the egg keeper whenever we opened that part of the fridge? Now I'm grateful when it rattles to the floor and I have to pick it up.

You should hear the car when it's just mom and me running errands. It's sooooo quiet without your constant chatter that we were used to. Oh how I miss giving you a hard time about that! I miss giving you a hard time about your bifocals, your toe sensitivity, our looks that we could give each other and know exactly what the other was thinking, your morning phone calls to me figuring out what we were going to do with our day, our nightly phone calls after the kids were asleep to rehash what we had done that day and most of all, just having fun and the sheer happiness we had together. We never took each other for granted and were always grateful for the time we spent with each other and our family. I miss joking with you and you gagging every time I would talk about how hot Charlie Gibson is.

You were always the best sissy I could ever dream of, the best TT your Vali could ever want, the best daughter mom and papa could have, the best wife and most of all, the absolute best mum mum to Asa.

I still can't believe that you aren't here for your birthday and I'm so sorry we spent your last birthday at a crappy, expensive diner. Then again we made a memory that we'll never forget!

I miss you so much. I wish so badly you were still here, not just for me but for all of us.

Most of all I love you. I will always love you. You were and are the only sister I ever had.

Happy Birthday sissy.

Love,

Sissy

KKMoFo

2011-08-14T09:46:00.000-07:00

A while ago my best friend Amanda had me read about Beyonce the Giant Chicken. I didn't find it as amusing as she did but the thing that got me was the "knock knock motherfucker" picture. That hit me in the funny bone more than anything. So of course we've texted/twittered/Facebook'd each other every so often with variations of "knock knock motherfucker". KKMoFo, Knock Knock Muthafucker, KKMF, etc..... My best friend Holly also got in on the action and created Knock Knock Motherpuffer. This was due to the fact that I was ordering some of her Kick Ass Bows and asked for a puff on some of the bows, hence the Knock Knock Motherpuffer.

So! That's the back story.

A short time after that (or two weeks, I have no idea, my sense of time is gone) I was on my cinnamon roll kick.

I was making these every few days. It kills my back but dayum, they are tasty if I say so myself. As I have explained (and shown) in the past, whenever I withdraw or get really upset or have a bipolar episode, I bake. And bake. And bake some more.

One day Amanda was going to be in the immediate vicinity of my house and I told her to stop by, I had some extra cinnamon rolls left. It turned out I was out running around doing soccer/fairy/errands so we didn't hook up. Later on in the evening Amanda texted me our usual "KKMoFo." But this time she followed up with "anyone stop by today?" I was confused and asked her who. She sent back a cryptic "I don't know, have you seen anyone :)" I got up from where I had planted my ass (probably watching "Breaking Bad", which I am totally caught up on by the way) and peered into the kitchen. Nope, the cinnamon rolls were still there, she hadn't broken into the house and stolen them. Well, she didn't need to break in, she has the code to our garage but that's beside the point. I was completely lost at this point but then again it doesn't take much to confuse me.

"What do you mean?" I texted back to her.

"Oh geez, look out your fucking kitchen window!" she wrote back, obviously exasperated with my complete dingy-ness.

Looking outside my kitchen window.......

......closer......

......closer, what the fuck is that?

SHE GOT ME!!!!! She Beyonce'd me!

My swing in front of the kitchen window. How the hell did she get Beyonce where she was perched? By this time I had called Amanda, laughing, and asking her, seriously, how she got the damn chicken there because I had no idea how to get it down.

The top of the swing. How the fuck?

Now it is my turn. I WILL Beyonce you, Amanda, and you won't see it coming.

In Case I Had Forgotten......

2011-08-13T09:56:00.000-07:00

I'm having a really hard time lately and have a whole, big, long ass post to write (or not, depends) with sissy being gone and I get up today and have this in my email inbox:

facebook

Hi Cameo,

You have 1 friend with a birthday in the next week. Help her celebrate!

Thursday, August 18th

Trina
42 years old ·

Write on her Wall

You can also use Facebook to plan a special birthday event.

Thanks,
The Facebook Team

Fuck cancer.

Conversation

2011-08-08T15:14:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago Asa asked me why I didn't adopt two kids instead of "just" Valentina. I started to explain why when we got interrupted and I didn't get to answer his question. So the other day we were in the car and we had the following conversation:

Me - Asa, you know how you asked why I didn't adopt two kids instead of one?

Asa - yeah.

Me - well, your mom and I had agreed to have the same number of kids. At first it was just you so I only had one kid. Then later on your mom was going to have another baby and then I would have adopted again. But then mom died so I have two kids anyway! I have you and Valentina!

Asa - I want us to have another baby.

Beya - What would you like, a boy or a girl?

Me - You don't get to choose.

Valentina - I want to buy a girl!

Fashion Show

2011-08-07T17:00:00.000-07:00

I originally wrote this post on Wednesday but for some reason never hit publish. In the meantime Beya, the kids and I went and bought some more clothes, winter clothes. The kidditos got long sleeved shirts and a few other things. So without further ado, here is a post that is four days old, oops!

Grama generously gave me some money to help pay for the kids back to school clothes. We were super busy today but we accomplished sooooo much!!! Beya, the kidditos and I not only went to lunch but we also hit Target for school supplies (check) and clothes (double check). Then I had a doctors appointment at McMexi's office.....AND I GOT TO SEE HIM BRIEFLY!!! I only see his assistant anymore since there is nothing they can do, it's just a case of trying to manage my pain, but today I SAW MCMEXI!!!!!

After we got home we went swimming and after coming in and getting dried off, the kids surprised me by wanting to try on all their new clothes. Of course I had to get pictures of them :) Please indulge me in showing off my adorable, handsome, sassy kids.

Asa INSISTED on having this pair of distressed jeans. Beya and I both prefer the darker jeans but Asa had to have these. He loved the patch on the hole and thought it looked so cool.

Valentina picked out all of her own clothes as did Asa.I've tried picking out what I want Valentina to wear and it doesn't go over very well, she will just refuse to wear it.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE these outfits!

Asa did get more than just this pair of jeans, he just didn't want to try the others on.

Beya found the denim vest for Valentina and when I saw it my mind instantly thought of sissy. Well, she was already on my mind, but I knew that Trina would have bought her Vali this vest. Trina's and my taste in our kids' clothes were different but I try to buy Valentina at least one outfit that I know sissy would have picked out.

I LOVE these cutoffs for Valentina, they have the cutest rhinestones around the bottom of the shorts. Poor Asa didn't get as many clothes as Valentina because most of Asa's clothes were "branded", well, as name brand as Target gets, haha. I, on the other hand, am perfectly happy to show Valentina the way to the mix and match sets displays that are $6 each. It does make me happy knowing that I am buying the brands sissy would have bought for Asa.

Asa you can tell, we're winding down on the photo shoot and the kiditos are getting a little restless!

I LOVED this shirt! It was so cute because I would show Valentina a shirt, ask her if she liked it and she would take it from me, track down Asa and ask "Asa, do you like this shirt?" If he said no she would put the shirt back. Usually Asa would answer "that's the most beautifulest shirt in the world!" Valentina HAD to get Asa's approval on all of her clothes :) They are so close and the sweetest brother and sister. If I can keep their relationship this close as they grow up I will consider my job as a mom a success.

I love this new jacket for Asa. As usual, he can't just take a picture, he has to always be a comedian!

Even though Valentina got a few more outfits than Asa I was shocked when I went through and tallied up the bottom line. Asa's clothes came to a grand total of $138. Valentina's were $139. One dollar difference! I couldn't believe it. Of course I still have my Kohls Cash that I need to spend and both kiditos need some long sleeved shirts but other than that THEY ARE SET FOR SCHOOL!!!!! It's such a great feeling and we all had fun.

Next week we get to see my friend Ruth and her three beautiful daughters she adopted from Guatemala. In two weeks we'll be trying to connect with Jaimee and finally next month we have a super special lunch planned with someone amazing and after that we'll be hooking up with my cousin, wife and their two adorable kids. Their daughter is exactly two years younger than Asa, both of their birthdays are 9/26 and their baby boy is about four months old. So again, life is busy but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Busy

2011-08-03T17:13:00.000-07:00

Things have been busy lately and are only going to get more so. I can't believe Asa goes back to school THIS month!!! There were so many things we were going to do this summer! I feel like we haven't done any of them although this month is almost cram packed and we did do a few fun things. I feel like time is just running by me and yet at a stand still. Not one second goes by that I don't miss Trina. I mean that, not one second. She is always in my head, always on my mind, forever in my heart. I love watching Asa play with something and telling him a story about how his mom played that with him or if it's a toy, the story behind sissy buying it for him. I know as he grows up he'll know all about his mom but his memories of her and the stories we've told him of her will blur together and he won't know which is which.

We are going to get school clothes in the next few days. That was unbelievably hard last year as the five of us would always go together and have such a fun time picking out clothes for our kids. To be honest I don't even remember doing it last year but I know I must have. I don't remember buying school supplies as it was supposed to be both sissy and me picking out the things that Asa needed for his first year in school and instead I was doing it for her. I don't remember a lot of things. In fact I was listening to U2 and thought "man, I wonder it would be like to see this tour live." It took me a good 20 seconds to remember that I had seen them on tour just over a month ago. I have no memory of the concert.

That said, we are doing our best to give the kids a fun summer. We went and saw "Cars 2", we went to the mall, we've gotten ice cream while out and about, we've rented tons of movies and video games, we've played with the water hose, we've driven 350 miles in five days taking Asa to soccer camp (take him, go home, bring him lunch, go home, pick him up, go home), we've done Fairy/Princess Camp for Valentina, Asa has another soccer camp coming up, we're going to do a road trip, we've swam in the pool, we've played on the swing set, we've had BBQ's and Asa was in a wedding. I've had to discipline the kids (I don't saw "we" in this instance because mom isn't much help in that regard, haha) and we've seen some improvement in Asa's anxiety issues.

This summer is flying by and before I know it both kidditos will be back in school. I love them both so much even when they frustrate me by not listening to me (at this very moment they are each in their respective rooms for not listening).

So that is what we have done this summer and what we have planned for what is left of summer.

I love my family so much and yet miss so desperately the one person who isn't here.

Valentina's Birthday Present

2011-07-31T17:24:00.000-07:00

Yes I am aware that it is currently July and Valentina's birthday was in February. That said, she didn't get her birthday present from Beya until last week. Our kids are so hard to get presents for because they have everything and mom and I refuse to get them birthday presents "just to get" so we try really hard to make their presents special. This year mom promised Valentina a trip to the mall as her birthday present. Valentina has been soooooo excited! Poor thing though, one thing after another kept coming up which caused her trip to the mall to be postponed. FINALLY this week we went to the mall! Now trust me on this one, this WAS thrilling for her. All she wanted was to go to the mall, eat in the food court and play games at the arcade so off the four of us went.

Eating at the food court, how exciting! Hey, when I was four I was excited to eat there too.

Check out Mister Asa giving me his "too cool for school" look, full of attitude.

Asa actually took this picture of him and Valentina. He's a genius with the camera if I so say myself. Trina always loved looking at the pictures he took because he would capture things from an angle that we, as adults, didn't see them from.

Valentina took this one of "the best big brother in the whole world!"

Valentina took this one too of my boy and me.

Before we left the food court Valentina had to ride the handful of rides that were up there. Of course she gravitated toward the pink train!

Asa naturally went for the blue race car. It never ceases to amaze me the inherent differences between boys and girls.

Next we headed downstairs to the arcade..... only to find out something horrible. THE ARCADE HAD CLOSED!!!! I felt so bad for Valentina. Here she's waited for five months to go to the arcade and it was CLOSED.

At the other end of the mall we did find a carousel. It was kind of creepy looking and the room that it was in smelled musty and old but Valentina loved it. The whole thing reminded me of a horror movie where the characters go in there for a simple ride and end up being hacked to bits by the sinister ride manager. But that's just me :) Poor Asa was terrified of riding the pony but he did it. You can barely see him but he's on a horse, holding on for dear life.

There he goes, grasping on to the pole. Each time Asa would go by he would slink further and lower down on the pole.

Valentina, on the other hand, would squeal with joy each time she would fly past us, barely holding on with one hand while the other would wave wildly at us. She has almost no fear whereas Asa is very cautious. They are good for each other because Valentina encourages him to take chances and Asa helps keep Valentina grounded, literally sometimes.

After the carousel it was time to ride the train.

You can kind of see the weird looking horses in the background that don't fit in at ALL in the train area.... or anywhere else as far as I'm concerned. The room was just scary. But the kids had fun and that's all that mattered.

Valentina kept saying that it was the best day ever so I guess her birthday present was worth the five month wait.

Asa has already decided what he wants for his birthday from mom and me.....a trip to Build-A-Bear.

Breaking Bad

2011-07-22T08:51:00.000-07:00

Breaking Bad, Breaking Bad, Breaking Bad, that's all I hear when a new season of the show starts, ends and awards ceremonies come around.

I've never watched the show.

Then again I'm usually a late bloomer when it comes to finding excellent TV shows. More often than not sissy would turn me on to a show. She found "Nip/Tuck", "Castle", "Mad Men" and "Leverage" for me. I didn't discover "Arrested Development" until the second of their three seasons. I now have all three seasons on DVD and will pop one in just out of the blue when I want to laugh.

I always meant to get around to watching "Breaking Bad" but never did.

Until now.

Holy shit.

Mom and I watched the first two episodes of the first season together. I have never been so disturbed by something so darkly funny. I was simultaneously horrified and laughing hysterically. I asked mom if she wanted to continue watching it and she said no, it was a bit too graphic for her.

Last night Norm and I cruised through the entire three episodes on disc 2 of season one. Got that? Haha....

I love "Breaking Bad". I'm supposed to get the last disc of season one today so it's pretty safe to say that by the end of the weekend I should be at least halfway through season two or done with it. I was afraid that it wouldn't live up to the hype. I didn't need to worry.

I always read the end of mystery books first to find out what happens. The highest form of praise I can give "Breaking Bad" is that I haven't looked up every season on Wikipedia to find out the twists and turns.

Okay, I did look ahead to see what happens in season one.

But that's it! Honest! I'm quite happy to hold on to my seat and go on the dark ride that "Breaking Bad" is taking me on.

Pictures Galore!!!!

2011-07-21T19:39:00.000-07:00

There are about 6,924 pictures in this post so beware.

Fourth of July

Mom and I took the kidditos to see "Cars 2". This was very bittersweet as "Cars" had been Asa's first movie in a theater and sissy and I had taken him. We took him to the nice theater and of course I documented it with about 10 pictures. I probably have them posted in my blog but I can't look them up and re-post them now, it's too hard. I was a bit apprehensive as Valentina doesn't have the longest attention span. Asa wasn't quite two when sissy and I took him but he sat through the whole thing. Valentina was quite excited and in keeping with tradition, I insisted on going to the nicer theater where sissy and I had taken Asa five years ago. We made a day of it and got pizza to eat in the theater while we waited for the movie. Here is Valentina waiting......

......BUT SO EXCITED FOR THE MOVIE!!!!

Asa was an old pro at the movies and was happy to be eating pizza, his favorite food.

A few weeks ago the kids had a birthday pool party to go to.

Right after this picture was taken, Little Miss Diva Valentina accidentally got flipped off the air mattress and went under water. I held back my first instinct, which was to jump in the pool after her but I told myself that she could touch the bottom of the pool. She popped right back up to the top immediately or else I WOULD have gone in after her. The damage was done, however, and she cried and cried. Valentina didn't go back in the pool after that.

Valentina had a much better time swinging.

Asa liked going down the slide.

My dear, sweet boy.

If it looks like Valentina has white hair that's because she does. There was a pinata at the party and as is Mexican tradition, there was flour added to it. We don't add flour and this was the kids first time whacking open a pinata with flour in it. Poor Valentina got about 90% of it dumped on her. When I was growing up we used to fill some cascarones with flour instead of confetti.

Here is a dejected Valentina walking away from the cake table. Valentina was hurt as she informed me that she kept waiting and waiting for cake but nobody gave her any.

Sad, cakeless, Valentina.

It turned out that Valentina just didn't wait in line long enough. Sure enough she got her cake and ate it too.... WITH ice cream.

Asa went to soccer camp. This was his first day.

Such a big boy! I can't believe it!

Valentina was so proud of her big brother.

I've talked about Asa's severe separation anxiety problem since sissy died. He has an incredible fear of being left behind/forgotten/not picked up. I have to make sure that whenever I pick him up from somewhere I have to be there at least 10 minutes early or else he cries and panics that I've forgotten him. I have told him over and over and over, especially when he started school, that someone will ALWAYS pick him up. One day when I picked him up from camp I waited in a different area than usual. He had to look up from the field a few times before he saw me waving to him. When he finally walked up to me he told me that next time he wanted me me to wait in the front, not off to the side. I asked him if he got scared when he didn't see me. Asa calmly said "no, I knew you'd be here." I felt like crying with happiness and sadness. Happy because he finally knows that I WILL pick him up and sad because of why he has this fear.

Asa was in a wedding last weekend. The wedding was at the bride's grandparents house which is beautiful. I took these pictures the night before the wedding, during the rehearsal. This is where the reception was going to be.

Rehearsal. In keeping with the brides religion they don't have ring bearers, they have Bible Boys. The boy (Asa) carries the Bible up the aisle, hands it to the pastor and then takes his place with the groomsmen.

The ceremony area.

The cutest kidditos in the world!

The wedding was a Western theme so Beya, Papa and Valentina all wore cowboy boots. So did Asa but he didn't want to join in on the trio photo.

Walking up the aisle. The girl next to Asa was the brides sister and she did double duty as both flower girl and bridesmaid. Her hat held the flowers that she sprinkled and at the end of the aisle she dumped them out and put on her hat. It was very cute.

You can see Norm sitting down and obviously I was across the aisle taking pictures. So why weren't we sitting together? Asa was nervous before the wedding so I let him pick out where he wanted me to sit so he could see me and know right where I was. By the time I sat down the other seats next to me were already taken so Norm was stuck on the other side.

The beautiful bride. I LOVED her dress!

Done with the ceremony, walking back down the aisle. Asa did GREAT and looked so handsome as a cowboy.

I had to get a shot of the boots the bride wore. I thought it was beautiful especially since she had peacock feathers in the bouquets which had that gorgeous blue in them.

The rustic centerpieces.

I adore, love, appreciate and am so thankful for mom and papa!

Valentina, expert soup thief! The party favors were Top Ramen, a favorite food of the bride and groom. Little did they know that it is one of Valentina's favorite things to eat. She calls it noodle soup. She LOVES soup of almost all kind but this is one of her favorites so she was in heaven. The packages were at each setting on the table but Valentina snuck around and stole everyones for herself! The ironic part? We all forgot them when we went home after the wedding. Oops!

Valentina had a great time jumping from paver to paver during dinner.

I don't know how many cupcakes the kids had. Valentina had at least two, I think Asa may have had three.

Valentina dancing with the bride. I felt kind of bad because Valentina thought she was HOT SHIT dancing with THE BRIDE so she kind of bogarted her. The bride was great with Valentina and I think a great time was had by all. Well I KNOW Valentina had a great time! She danced all night long.

The two sweetest kids.

So! As you can see I've been busy, the kids keep me busy and I'm so grateful for that.

I'm grateful for so much.

And that's the truth!

Good News, Bad News

2011-07-21T17:34:00.000-07:00

Good News - I got my hair fixed. I went in and actually PAID someone, a professional (not a transient) to cut it.

Good News - The lady who cut it said I didn't do too bad a job cutting it myself :)

Bad News - This is the shortest I've ever had my hair.

Good News - I really don't care about my hair. I've never been one to freak out about the length of my hair, it grows super fast and it doesn't bother me.

Bad News - Sissy was always the one who loved and took great care of her hair. I feel bad that she was the one who had to lose her hair TWICE to cancer.

Bad News - I lost my camera. I have turned the house upside down looking for it. I couldn't find it yesterday and have yet to find it.

Good News - I had downloaded all the pictures I had taken of the wedding already so I didn't lose anything.

GREAT NEWS - As I was writing this Valentina found my camera!!!! It had SOMEHOW ended up in one of her toy boxes. Unbelievable!

Misc Random

2011-07-19T08:52:00.001-07:00

Beya had Valentina last night so it was my chance to sleep in. Of course I had the strangest dream so it woke me up at 7 am. I'll spare you the details (unlike mom, who had to sit through my cliff notes version but it was still long) but it had to do with submarines, single engine planes, apartheid, U2, Charles Manson, instant potato flakes, top ramen, Elaine from Seinfeld and the Empire State Building. Mom said I had taken one too many sleeping pills.

I will post pictures from the weekend wedding Asa was in. He was such a handsome cowboy!

Sissy's birthday is rapidly approaching, August 18. I'll never forget last year. Josh insisted that we go out to dinner so we went to the only place where the food still tasted good to her, even on chemo. That was Olive Garden. We all sat there, miserable, missing her terribly, not believing what was really happening, that she wasn't there with us. It was horrible. I feel like once we get it over with this year, well, probably a week afterwards, I'll be able to deal with things again. Mom and I have been in a funk the past few months. First Easter, then Mother's Day, then Memorial Day, then Father's Day, then 4th of July and now her birthday coming up. It's just like more and more and more. I'm overwhelmed and just plain tired yet I don't want to stop because once I stop and breathe I have time to think and I don't want to think, I must stay busy.

I must be in a bad spot since I had this completely irrational "plan" of going off my bipolar mood stabilizer medication and just taking an additional anti-depressant. That would NOT be good, that's what I was doing for about 8 years, prior to being diagnosed bipolar. I would get sooooo manic from the anti-depressant but the lows would come crashing down as I didn't have the mood stabilizer. I even went as far as have an imaginary conversation with my psychiatrist explaining why this was a good idea. Mom brought me back to reality once I told her what my thoughts were.

Reality.

Not the best place to be but it could be worse.

Norm had to incur my wrath last week. The months where the days and dates match up with the days and dates of January 2010 are always harder. For example, sissy died Saturday, 01/09/10. This month Saturday, July 9th was on a Saturday. That means the first two weeks of July, I relive each and every day from January 2010.

It sucks.

Norm asked me one day during those two weeks why I was so bitchy. I explained why and also told him that sissy's birthday was coming up. He looked at me and calmly told me that it wasn't the first year, that it shouldn't be a shock anymore, that I should know what's coming. Uh, yeah, that didn't go over too well and he didn't come out of THAT conversation unscathed. I not so calmly or quietly told him how it's shocking every day when I get up and I can't call my sister. That it's shocking each day I drive and see a truck like sissy's and for a split second I wonder why she's out driving, running errands, without me. That it's shocking every night when I go to bed and I haven't talk to her all day. That it's shocking every day when I see our picture together on the fridge but I can't take it down. That it's shocking to me when I see the framed photo of Trina and the kids in Valentina's room and realize that the kids will never age in pictures with her. That it's shocking each time I get asked what Valentina's birthday is because I can't reply January 14, that was 5 days after sissy died but I don't know what date to give them. That it's shocking every time I take the egg carton out of the egg shelf in the fridge and her medication that had to be kept cold comes falling out, yet her medication needs to stay in the refrigerator, it has to stay cold. That it's shocking that it's been 18 months since cancer stole my sister in a horrifically painful way.

That it's shocking that my sister is dead.

Other than that, things are peachy keen, lol.

I did have a bit of a meltdown yesterday but rather than cry, I did something a bit more self destructive, I took a pair of scissors to my hair. I now literally have about 20 different layers. But the bottom is straight! I knew enough to not touch the bottom!

Oh boy.

On the plus side, I kept feeling like I was getting sick again, something I've been battling for the past few months. I had been doing really good but then my throat felt scratchy and my eyes got that flushed feeling. Then I remembered I hadn't taken my Zyrtec for a few days! I love me my Zyrtec. It does wonders for me.

So that is that. Things are ok for being shitty. I have much to be thankful for. I AM thankful for much. Norm has a job, a great job. The kidditos are healthy. I have my parents. I'm tired of getting on here to blog and having everything negative come shooting out. I'm really not like this in real life! But I try so hard to NOT be like this in real life that it all comes out here and for that I'm sorry. I don't want it to seem like we don't laugh at home, that we don't have fun, that we don't do everything possible to make life normal.

We do.

But it will never be the normal we had.

Wendy

2011-07-15T16:46:00.001-07:00

I just saw a commercial for Wendy's advertising their new fresh berry frosty parfaits and shakes. Asa and I went to Wendy's last weekend just to get our favorite chocolate oreo twisted frosty and found out they don't have them anymore, just the parfaits. They are not NEARLY as good. So RIP Chocolate Oreo Twisted Frosty. You were very good to me.

Seeing the commercial for Wendy's reminded me of a joke a former co-worker told me. This was a looooong time ago, probably 15 years ago. It went like this:

This guy had a girlfriend Wendy and she kept after him to get her name tattoo'd on his, er, pride and joy I shall call it, to prove how much he loved her. He kept telling her no, that it would hurt too much. Well, after enough prodding (haha, no pun intended, really) she finally convinced him. As he predicted, it was very painful so as a thank you Wendy treated him to a trip to Jamaica.

So the dude and Wendy go to Jamaica. While they are there the dude found himself going to the bathroom. Even though they were in a sunny locale, the dude, er, pride and joy was still, well, "cold" so the only visible part of his tattoo was "WY", the "end" (again, no pun intended) was, well, cold and hiding. While the dude was using the facilities he looked over and saw what appeared to be a local guy as he had dreadlocks and beads in his hair. The dude's eyes wandered down and saw that oddly enough that the local also had a "WY" tattoo'd on HIS pride and joy!

The local looked over and saw that the dude was looking at him. Anxious to show the local that he wasn't just checking him out, the dude struck up a conversation with him.

Dude - So! I see that we have the same tattoo.

Jamaican local - Yes we do, mon!

Dude - I take it your girlfriend's name is Wendy too?

Jamaican local (laughing) - Oh no, my tattoo says "Welcome to Jamaica mon, have a nice daY"

Average Dinner Conversation

2011-07-08T20:38:00.000-07:00

Elephant In The Room

2011-07-05T17:47:00.001-07:00

In light of today's not guilty verdict of Casey Anthony I refuse to give that fame whore monger, or in the words of her own attorney, slut, any more attention than the wall to wall coverage she's already getting.

I will simply say I was speechless when she was acquitted.

It is my opinion that justice was NOT served for Caylee Anthony and her mother got away with murder.

Obsessed

2011-07-03T16:15:00.000-07:00

I think it's official.

I'm obsessed with the Casey Anthony trial.

I don't know how I came to this conclusion. Was it the fact that I, Miss Insomniac, went to bed at 10:30 pm last night because I knew I had a long day today with closing arguments? Was it the fact that I set my alarm for 5:45 am this morning in order to not miss a thing? Was it the fact that I watched every minute of the trial today? Was it the fact that I still have Jeff Ashton's closing on my DVR so I can watch it again? Was it the fact that I checked Twitter every five seconds to see what everyone else was talking about? Was it the fact that I was literally pacing while waiting to hear if mah boo Jeff Ashton was going to be bitch slapped by Judge Perry for (understandably) laughing during Jose Baez' painfully long closing? Was it the fact that I have developed a huge crush on Jeff Ashton? Was it the fact that I kept yelling at the TV today? Was it the fact that I felt there was no reason to get out of bed Saturday because court wasn't in session?

The bottom line is a precious little girl, weeks away from her third birthday WAS murdered and I believe it was literally at the hands of her own mother. I cannot imagine how twisted and demented a person has to be to kill their child.

I am obsessed with hoping to see justice done and have the murderer be held responsible.

Valentina Misc

2011-07-01T18:10:00.000-07:00

Here are few things that make me laugh about Valentina that I want to document.

* She wants to grow up to be a superhero.

* The superhero she wants to be is Storm, the "powder" to change the weather! (that's what she says, verbatim.)

* Whenever it is rainy or cloudy Beya will say to Valentina, "Storm, can't you make it sunny?"

* When it IS sunny Valentina says "look! I made it sunny! I used my super powders!"

* One time when we were commending her on using her weather changing super powders she sheepishly revealed "I can't really change the weather, I just pretend to."

* Ever since she admitted she CAN'T change the weather she takes credit FOR changing the weather.

* Her favorite show is Peppa Pig which means she watches her 2 or 3 favorite episodes over and over and over and then talks with an English accent.

* She is ALWAYS thinking of Asa and wants to be fair with him. If we are somewhere and she gets a sticker or sucker (this happened more when he was in school and he wasn't with us as much) she would always take another one and say "Asa needs one too" or "can I have one for my brother too?"

* About a month ago Grama came over (again, while Asa was at school) and gave Valentina a present her brother Jone had given to her for Valentina. Valentina loved it but immediately asked where Asa's present was.

* When Grama told Valentina that Jon hadn't gotten anything for Asa, Valentina was horrified. She still talks about how it wasn't kind that Jon didn't get anything for Asa. I think Jon needs to watch his back next time he sees Valentina :)

* Valentina is VERY protective of Asa.

Superhero Storm

Latest Pics Of Kids

2011-06-28T16:44:00.000-07:00

I wanted a new picture of the kids together so I was snapping some today and when I downloaded them I found that I had several already on my camera. Since I have blogged primarily about the downer side of my life I thought maybe I should post what puts a smile on a face. A REAL, genuine smile ☺

This was I think last week when I took the kids out to dinner. It was just the three of us.

Valentina's eyes shut here........

.....Asa's eyes shut here......

......BINGO!

Having fun with the dirty mirror that was above our table.

Oh how I recognize this snarl. This is the face Valentina gives me just before she slams the door to her room shut, yelling at me for some horrible thing I did to her, usually telling her to pick up her toys.

SURPRISE!

Asa telling me "no sissy, don't take my picture" but his face tells a different picture altogether.

This was today.

Valentina tells me that she needs to wear her sunglasses to see clearly. This is the explanation I have given her when she used to ask me why I wore glasses.

Asa today telling me yet again "no sissy, don't take my picture!" while smiling the whole time.

Look at that mischievous face, I just love it!

Money shot. I had to bribe Asa with 10 minutes on the Wii in order to get them to take pictures together. I took about 15 before I got this perfect one.

So there you have it, my adorable kiddos who make me laugh, make me smile, make me frustrated, make me giggle, make me happy and most of all, make me love them more than anybody in the world. I have a saying that I tell them. I ask them "who do I love more than you?" and they shout in unison "NOBODY!!!" That is the truth!!!

Distractions

2011-06-25T19:20:00.000-07:00

It has been almost 18 months since sissy died. A year and a half. I know I sound like a broken record but it still seems surreal that I can type that and not fall apart. When I had my ear infection I was in unbelievable pain. Pain that made me cry out and go to the ER twice to have them do something, anything, to help dull it. I felt like there was an ice pick jabbing through my head. I was taking vicodin and oxycodone, staggering them so I was taking something every two hours, and the pain was still unbearable. The whole time this was going on I kept thinking "my physical pain finally matches my emotional pain." My mind was also going back to the last time I had an ear infection this bad. It was April 2009, just a few weeks before the eight of us took our last family vacation to the beach. It is unbelievable how drastically our lives have changed in 26 months. But like Beya says, "I am grateful for what I have but mourn for what I don't." It is very similar to my Rose Kennedy quote, "I will not be licked by tragedy as life is a challenge and we must continue to work for the living as well as mourn for the dead." These are two very fitting quotes by two incredibly women.

I was talking to my aunt almost a month ago when she came to visit and she asked how I was doing. I told her the truth, not good. I explained to her that my life is no longer mine. I don't live for me, I live for the kids. I don't care what happens to me, I don't feel the joy I used to and I know I never will. That said I do my best to give Asa and Valentina as much fun, happiness and as carefree lives as I possibly can. Like I said, I live my life for them. The best I can do for me is to try to distract myself.

Case in point. Norm and I went out of town for two nights to see U2 a while ago. This was the concert that sissy, Josh, Norm and I were supposed to go to to celebrate Trina being in remission. This was the concert that was supposed to take place last summer but had to be postponed because of Bono's back injury. This was the concert that I struggled with the decision of whether to go or not go. The last U2 concert I had gone to it was just sissy and me and we had an absolutely fabulous time. It was one of, if not THE best night of my life. The energy, joy and sheer elation we both felt was amazing. I didn't know if I wanted to keep that memory sealed forever and have that be the last time I ever saw U2 live.

Well, I decided that Norm and I were going to go see them again. This was something I did for myself. I wouldn't have gone for any band other than U2. I wanted to feel a sliver of what I had felt for them in the past.

It didn't happen.

In fact during the opening act I had a major panic attack. I thought for sure that I was going to have to leave. I lost my hearing, I felt as if I was going to pass out and vomit. It lasted for about 20 minutes before slowly subsiding. I went into the concert having no expectations and I'm glad because otherwise I would have been awfully disappointed. I had a better time just spending some alone time with Norm than anything else. I'm not sure that I will go see them again. Luckily I won't have to make choice any time soon as they only tour about every five years.

I don't regret going but that's about it. It was only a slight distraction and I cried many, many times.

It just goes to prove my fact that things I do just for myself don't mean a whole hell of a lot. I live my life for the kids.

We have a few distractions planned for the summer, a couple of short trips with the kids.

I miss my life, my old life, my REAL life, but the kids are at such a fun age right now that I try to enjoy every minute with them.

I hear parents say "oh, I wish my kids could be babies again" or "that was such a perfect age" or "enjoy it now, they grow up so fast." Mom showed me that she enjoyed Trina and I at every age, every age was her favorite. Beya still says that, she tells me her favorite age with me is 35. I can honestly say the same for Asa and Valentina. I don't remember any other age they were except for THIS age. I love to hear Valentina making up stories with her dolls and I love listening to Asa read his books out loud. I even love hearing both kids getting a tiny bit sassy with a big dose of sarcasm thrown in at me. I love hearing the kids sing the theme song to "Caillou" together. I especially love hearing them tell each other how much they love each other.

It does enter my mind that Valentina is the age Asa was when Trina was diagnosed with cancer. Valentina is just a baby. I cannot imagine hearing that diagnosis with a 4 1/2 year old and being 10 weeks pregnant. I cannot.

So instead I try to distract myself. I distract myself with the kids. I distract myself with thoughts of our summer. I distract myself with trying to play every single game of Freecell on my phone.

Most of all, I distract myself with the Casey Anthony murder trial. I DVR the entire days testimony and watch it when I can, staying up until midnight if I need to (I don't watch it with the kids, obviously) in order to be ready for the next day of events.

I had written before that I had so much sympathy for Cindy Anthony. After watching her on the stand my feelings have shifted. I still cannot imagine the situation she is in so I will leave it at that.

So that is what is going on with me. I have piles of emails left unanswered from the past month. If you happen to be reading this (you all know who you are) I am sorry, it has nothing to do with you, I'm just trying to be distracted and that means, oddly enough, staying off the computer. I am on my BlackBerry and that's about it so I don't feel like writing out long emails on my phone.

No matter what, I can never distract myself from the fact that I love and miss my sissy.

Jen and Aviana

2011-06-21T18:52:00.001-07:00

Those of you who know me know that I'm always talking about what an amazing person my friend Jen is. Her daughter Aviana was injured in a tragic accident. As I've said before, since sissy died I don't have much compassion or sympathy for many people especially when they bitch and complain about minor, trivial things that they won't even remember in a week.

I have ALWAYS had a tremendous amount of empathy for Jen. Her courage and continuing to fight and work for Aviana is unbeatable. She would literally walk through fire for her girl. One thing I especially love about Jen (okay two things) are A- her wicked, dry sense of humor and B- her willingness to be open and true. She blogs about her REAL life, the good, the bad and the funny. Jen puts herself out there and if people don't like her, fine, but she's not going to put on airs. That is a rare and highly admirable quality in a human being.

Her blog is one of the few I still read and her entry yesterday was nothing short of jaw dropping. All of her AND Aviana's hard work has shown itself in spades. I dare you to read it and not cry.

Jen's blog post.

Jen, you are amazing and I love you.

Happy Papa's Day

2011-06-19T17:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Papa,

I love you. I'm grateful I was able to spend today with you. I miss you so much when you aren't here and appreciate all the hard work you do. Our house, yard, landscaping, home wouldn't be the same without you. You make it look manicured and fill our home with love. You had one day off and spent it working around the house.

I love you so much.

Camalia

Fathers Day 2011

I love how much Valentina looks like papa.

Trivial

2011-06-12T23:30:00.001-07:00

I started this really heavy, get things off my chest, emotionally pain filled post early last week and it got to be too much. Well, not too much for me but life got in the way and I never had time to finish it. I'm hoping I'll be able to do it if not this week then next.

I do have a few highlights to touch on.

Thursday was 17 months since sissy died. I'm horrible with dates, they all kind to seem blur together and I never know what the date is. That is, until the 9th rolls around every month. Seriously. I could have not looked at a calendar for three weeks and it might even take me until after I have my morning coffee but it DOES hit me that it's the ninth. Every.Fucking.Month. About half the time on the 9th I still wake up in the middle of the night within 10 minutes of the time she died but it's not until morning that I realize WHY I had woken up at that time. I don't go to bed thinking "tomorrow's the ninth", hell, I'm usually falling asleep on the couch and am thinking nothing by the time I drag my ass into bed.

Anyway, so we hit that monthly milestone.

I had to fill out some paperwork for Valentina to attend her first ever Vacation Bible School. It is affiliated with her current preschool. I figure I don't have the strength or ability at this time in my life to teach my child how wonderful God is and how He listens to you and answers your prayers, but I DO want her to have a solid Christian base that she can grow up with, along with the strong Judaism influence that is in our home with Asa and Josh, and as she gets older I will encourage her to ask questions, just like Beya did with me. I want her to have a base and then explore and decide what she feels is right for her, whether that be Muslim, Catholicism, Buddhism, Atheist or what I do, just read the Bible and chuck church all together. Anyway, my point that I was going to make before I went off in a tangent, was as I was filling out her registration form, I got to one question that had me stumped. Date of birth. Huh. Valentina's date of birth. Shit. I used to know this one. We've changed it within our family at least three times that I can't even keep track of it! How fabulous of a mother am I if I can't even remember my kids date of birth? Now I can never remember Norm's and my wedding anniversary but that's no biggie, we simply got married so the adoption paperwork would be a tiny bit easier.

Ok, sit down and think. When is her birthday? I know it's January. We changed her birthday to February to give us a month away from the month of when sissy died, as if that helped any (it didn't, by the way). Okay, so we changed to it to February 16, the date of her referral. But I remember that her name DID have a connection to Valentine's Day. Was it February 14? Did we just make that a connection with her name with the holiday? No, her birthday is either the 14th or 16th. I think. Ok, lets go with those two dates as possibilities for her birthday. Now the month. January. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's January. Yes, it IS January because we had the private viewing of sissy the day of Valentina's birthday. The funeral was the day AFTER Valentina's birthday. Sissy died five days before Valentina's birthday. BINGO! Valentina's LEGAL birthday is January 14!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!! I remembered my daughters date of birth! So what if it took me 10 minutes and a full page of scrap paper to figure it out, I DID IT!

Lastly, full disclosure warning, you may NOT want to read what I'm about to post in this last paragraph. I give you advance knowledge so you can skip it if you want. It has to do with Casey Anthony.

Okay. For those of you that are still around, is anyone else obsessed with the trial like Beya and I are? I find the whole thing fascinating! Dr. Arpad Vass has been my favorite witness so far with Dr. Neal Haskell as a close second. I tweeted that I would love to have a dinner party with those two as the guests of honor. I think there could be no better conversation or drier humor or a better time than if they were to grace me with their presence. It seems as if every day another bombshell happens. IF IF IF IF Casey Anthony gets convicted you know she has an excellent chance of appeal based on ineffective counsel. Up until now I think the State is doing a wonderful job at painting a picture of Casey as a lying, manipulative, narcissistic party girl who only cares about what happens to her. I try a few times a day to look at the evidence and testimony strictly from a jurors point of view and I think it's going well. However, we have no idea what the defense is going to do. But it's pretty bad when I plan my day around the trial and won't go to bed until I've watched the entire days worth of testimony and the hour long wrap up they do after court has recessed for the day. Mom is just as bad as me.

Again, my point that I am finally getting around to is, Cindy Anthony. I CANNOT imagine or even begin to imagine what that poor woman is going through. I feel so much compassion, pain and hurt for her even though I know it does her not one bit of good. THAT is a mother than has been broken in every sense of the word. I don't know how she manages to find the strength to get up in the morning. I cannot imagine what her day is like. I cannot imagine the intense pain she has to deal with day in, day out, never subsiding but at times swelling over and completely taking over your life.

Cindy Anthony is someone who is deserving of every scrap of normalcy she can possibly find.

Okay, that's it. A lot long than I thought but still shorter than my other one.

Love you dude, will call you one of these days, can't wait to talk to you!!!!

Amanda, same goes for you.

Jen, have a safe trip, I hope you can find an hour to yourself.

And Beya. Mom, mom, mom. I love you so much and cling to you as my life raft. The children are in the boat and I'm hanging on for them because I don't want them to be left to drift. YOU are the one behind me, making sure I stay holding on to the boat. Thank you for doing that.

I love and owe my life to my family, both those here and the one who was gone much too early but who will always be with me every second of every day for the rest of my life.

On The Road To Feeling Better

2011-05-27T19:10:00.000-07:00

I've been sick.

Really sick.

Like one trip to Urgent Care and two trips to the ER in four days sick.

I woke up Saturday morning with my ear hurting and thought "ooh, this might not be too good." I have a tendency to get ear infections and 25 1/2 months ago I had one so bad they thought I would need surgery. Whenever my ear starts to hurt like this I use some ear drops that were leftover from said ear infection and it gets better.

It didn't get better.

After I took the kids out on a lunch date Saturday, just the three of us (Beya and Papa went to the cabin and Norm was working) I realized that this was no ordinary ear ache. As soon as Norm got home I went to Urgent Care and was prescribed an ear drop antibiotic and ear drops for pain.

Sunday morning it was worse so I had Norm take me to the ER. I was prescribed different meds.

I don't remember much as I was taking heavy duty pain meds every two hours and it was still excruciating. Tuesday evening I had mom take me to the ER again. There's a long emotional story about that but I'm tired right now (this is the first time I've been on the computer in a week). I was prescribed a different antibiotic for a third time. THAT finally started to work and by Wednesday night I was starting to feel a tiny bit better.

Poor Beya has had to take over for me and take care of the kids for the past week. I haven't been able to do anything.

I went to my PCP today and have an appointment with an ENT on Tuesday. There's much more to the story but I'm finally on the road to recovery..... I think. At least I'm down to taking meds every four hours and my ear pain is subsiding so much that I can feel my back pain again! Who would have thought I would be so happy to have my neck and back pain! I'm totally serious, no sarcasm at all.

So that is what has been going on with me for the past week.

Happy Mother's Day Mom

2011-05-08T07:51:00.000-07:00

Mom,

You've asked me the past few days what are the lessons I learned from you. To list just a few:

* never leave anyone out

* don't tell somebody I don't trust something I wouldn't mind everyone knowing

* I can't control how other people act, but I can control how I REact (I know Grandpa taught you this one)

* question everything until I get an answer that feels right

* I don't just marry the man, I marry his family so I better get along with them!

* spend half of my money and save the other half

* follow my passion

* that I could be whatever I wanted to be

* always say goodbye to my family as if it is the last time I see them because one day it could be

* above all, family comes first and no matter what, my sister will be there for me like no one else can.

Mom, the last one was the most true of all them all. We learned how to be a family from YOU. YOU taught us how to be close, that even though we fought and sometimes didn't like each other, that we were all family and it was a bond that nobody could break. I'm so grateful that I am part of you and that I am able to have you with me every day

I love you so much mom.

Happy Mother's Day Sissy

2011-05-07T18:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Sissy,

I would normally write you a Mother's Day post so even though you aren't here to read it I am still going to do it.

I'm so grateful that we were able to see each other become moms. It was truly the job we were meant to do and we did as much of it together as possible.

You were the best mum mum Asa could have ever had. You loved him with all your heart and he loves reading how much loved him in your blog book.

I'm so glad you had the first baby because from you I learned:

* no matter how much attention or love your child gets from everyone else, a hug from his mom is always the best.

* how to be a more relaxed mom

* that it's ok if the kid falls down the stairs, he'll still be handsome..... and smart :)

* consistency is key.

* if you don't know what to do, read a parenting book (I still don't do this one but it was great to see you do it!)

* patience, patience, patience

* you don't stop your life because you had a child, you live your life WITH your child

* take your child on a date, just the two of you

There are countless other things I learned from you. We had so much fun in our teens and then being selfish in our 20's. We partied and had fun and knew how to be the life of the party.

But it was in our 30's that we became moms and that was the greatest part of our lives together. We still partied, we just called it going out to lunch with our kids and Beya.

I will forever love and miss you but at least we were able to see each other become the women we were meant to be, which was to become mothers to the two most adorable, loving children ever born.

Happy Mother's Day sissy.

May 3

2011-05-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

It comes every year, May 3rd.

May 3, 2009 - sissy was diagnosed with cancer.

May 3, 2010- sissy had been dead for four months.

May 3, 2011 - today.

There is no escaping May 3rd.

This Time It IS A Little Thing

2011-05-01T18:23:00.000-07:00

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know my love of the word "wonky". I've been surprised the number of times I've heard it recently. Valentina used it the other day, "mama, my shoe is wonky" because it was coming undone and her toe was sticking out. Papa laughed when he heard it and asked her what WONKY was. She looked at him and said "it's when something feels funny." I love this word. I thought I had invented the word until people started emailing me stories of where they heard it. I have always loved the fact that people think of me when they hear the word because, well, I do. So imagine my happy surprise when I flipped on HGTV (remember, I'm an HGTV slut on the weekends) today and saw the following:

Sometimes it IS the little things that make me smile :)

The Little (Big) Things

2011-04-29T18:59:00.000-07:00

This past week has been worse than usual. There are things, feelings and emotions going on that are almost unbearable but I can't do anything about it. That said, I'm very happy to have shared a very special night with Beya.

Thirty years ago, when I was only a year older than Valentina, I remember watching Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer get married upstairs in my grandparents home. We sat on the bed and watched the pomp and circumstance. I dreamed of becoming a princess one day. It is such a special memory for me and one that I have remembered clearly for three decades.

Today I was very fortunate to be able to watch Prince William and Kate Middleton get married with Beya by my side. We pulled an all nighter and finally went to bed after they reached Buckingham Palace, around 4:30 am our time. I was so glad to be able to do the same thing I had done 30 years ago with my mom. Did the wedding have any impact on our family? No. But it was a lovely, happy distraction and something that was exciting to do. In fact yesterday mom and I had sketched what we thought the dress would look like. For the record Beya was closer than I was :)

Even Asa and Valentina were excited to watch it. I had thought of waking up Valentina to see it live but decided against it as she was sleeping so soundly and I had DVR'd it. This morning while Asa was getting ready for school and Valentina ready to go to Grama's we watched the Today Show and they had all the highlights and recaps. They were both happy to see it and I loved that they were full of anticipation.

So even though this was a small thing in our life that really has no effect on it, it was a big thing to be able to share this tradition, thirty years in the making, with my mom. I can only hope that we will be able to do it once more when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge watch their firstborn get married.

Thank you mom!

Easter Rabbit Hole, Part Deaux

2011-04-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

I must post this video clip from "Rabbit Hole" once more because I actually have been Becca in this clip. I can speak from a personal experience that words very similar to these have actually come out of my mouth and I have had those blank, horrified stares directed my way. I can't make this shit up! This scene always made me laugh with this stark look at reality and now that it has been MY reality, well, it's even funnier now.

About a week before Easter, Valentina was having a blast playing with all of Asa's masks that he has accrued over Halloweens passed. She made each of us put one on.

Asa triple tasking; working on the computer, wearing a mask and letting me take his picture.

Of course Valentina never does anything the normal way, oh no. Here she is wearing her mask the VALENTINA way, which is to dance and become another character altogether. Valentina doesn't walk, she gallops, glides, hops, skips or stomps. She never just gets excited about something, she jumps up and down, yells "YIPPEE SKIPPEE!", claps her hands and dances about. These are things done the "Valentina Way."

Yet another example of PJ's done "The Valentina Way". She wanted me to cut off the arms because she wanted them short sleeved. The girl is obsessed with short sleeves. So off the arms went...... and of course the natural place to put them were on her knees! The girl keeps us all laughing and seeing life through her fearless, amazed, happy eyes. I'm am so grateful for her.

And Asa Boy! Oh my dear, sweet, Asa Boy. Here he is being the goalie on his team. He makes a HORRIBLE goalie as he always leaves the goal unattended, too anxious to get in the game itself. You should see him, he is watching the ball intently, kicking, cheering his team on and just works himself into a frenzy......AWAY from the goal! It's nail biting to watch him because we want him to get back in FRONT of the goal! He just has to be in the action.

Saturday, April 23, 2011. Beya and Papa hid eggs for me since it's too hard, the memories of doing it with sissy are impossible to shake off so they did the honors. Here the kiddo's are getting ready to descend on the backyard with their baskets. The weather was great and sunny so we decided to do the egg hunt Saturday as the forecast called for rain on Sunday (which was correct). We spent all day outside doing crafts and having a picnic.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!!!

Check out our MexiGhetto soccer goal. The frame is from my grandparents garden swing that got smashed during a windstorm last year. Papa hung up a tarp from the top and voila! He needs to patent it before the MLS finds out about it and tries to steal the idea from him :)

Asa doing the honors of breaking the first cascarone of the holiday.

Easter Sunday, Valentina ready for mass.

THIS is Valentina, always dancing, always acting, always twirling, always performing. She just loves life and gets every last drop of happiness out of each day.

Asa didn't go to mass, he stayed home with Norm and me. It was wonderful! I got to have some one on one time with my boy. He is getting his first look at his Easter basket here.

A Star Wars Lego Ship! He couldn't wait to open it and put it together with Uncle Norm.

The kids' Easter picture.

Every year Trina and Asa would make the bunny coconut cake. I don't think I made it last year, although I have no memory of last Easter so maybe I did. This year Asa and I made it while Valentina was at mass with Beya and Papa. We had so much fun together.

After mass we all went to lunch. I was able to hold it together until the drive home when all the tears and feelings I had pent up finally came out. I cried the whole way home. I can't say I felt better because I didn't. Crying doesn't make me feel better, nothing makes me feel better. Well, that's not quite right, the kids make me feel better :) I'm so grateful for them and for my parents. I'm so so so so lucky to have the best parents and the best kids. Beya is always there for me and she helps me so much.

I love and miss you dearly, sissy.

Easter Rabbit Hole

2011-04-19T10:56:00.000-07:00

Papa came home from mass Sunday and said it was Palm Sunday. Mom argued with him, as did I, because if Sunday was Palm Sunday that would mean that next Sunday is Easter. No, Easter isn't for another two weeks. Well wouldn't you know, I checked my calendar and Papa was correct.

Easter. Fuck.

I hate Easter. I think it might be the most difficult holiday for me. Well that and Halloween. And Thanksgiving. And Christmas. And Fourth of July. Okay, they're all hard but when I think of Easter my mind immediately goes to Trina's last Easter, 2009. She and I had so much fun hiding the eggs for the kids and thinking of how fun the next Easter would be with her new baby. We'd have THREE kids to hide eggs for! How fun! Little did we know that she would be dead in nine months. There would be no third baby. There would be no more fun, joyous egg hiding. That was our last Easter together.

I hate Easter.

Speaking of rabbits, Beya and I watched "Rabbit Hole" a few weekends ago. It was very sad how excited I was to see that Comcast had it on InDemand even before it came out on DVD. The movie was extremely realistic and very true to life. Nicole Kidman did a phenomenal job of portraying a grieving mother trying to keep herself busy when the axis and compass of her life is gone. There were several scenes that I have lived out myself but I'm not going to say which ones. It took a while for the enter movie to sink in but once it did I sobbed. I cried over the loss of countless adventures that sissy and I will never have, the inside jokes we will never make, the parenting conversations that are gone forever and for losing my best friend, my "person".

I've been mulling over the idea of getting a family ring for some time. I have a necklace with the kids' initials and birthstone, a necklace with Trina and the kids' names, birthstones and birthdates engraved and a family charm bracelet with each of our birthstones. I want a ring with the birthstone of each of the kids and sissy's. I was casually and innocently looking at some online when I saw the following:

It was like a punch in the gut.

At first it made me angry. Angry that some sisters are able to exchange this with each other but I can't. Angry that some sisters take each other for granted and don't even talk to each other. Angry that my sister is gone forever.

Then I became sad. Sad that some sisters are able to exchange this ring with each other but I can't. Sad that some sisters take each other for granted and don't even talk to each other. Sad that my sister is gone forever. That is grief in a minuscule nutshell, having multiple, conflicting feelings all at the same time. It's like bipolar on steroids.

Yesterday mom and I were watching a segment on the Today show about mid life crisis and when they hit. Mom said she thought 30 was a tough age. I disagreed with her and explain how all my life I couldn't wait to be 30. I looked forward to my 30's. In my mind once I hit 30 I would have a child, I would know that I wasn't the most important person in my life, I would be having fun being a mom, I would have a better sense of who I was a person. Mom remarked that I had a great 30th birthday. Better than that, I had a perfect 30th birthday blowout. We all went to Vegas for three days and my best friend along several other family members showed up to surprise me. It was three days of partying and celebrating. I got a tattoo at 2 am on my actual birth date with Trina by my side. It was perfect. I told mom that I had three and a half years of my 30's being exactly what I thought they would be.

It was at this time that mom looked at me like I was crazy. She reminded me that no, it wasn't like that. After I turned 30,

* I started paperchasing for an international adoption

* I was diagnosed bipolar

* We had to deal with Trina's bipolar episodes

* I had several bouts with severe depression

* I've had chronic, severely limiting pain since I was 26

* I had to wait for nine long months knowing my baby was living in substandard conditions 3000 miles away

* I went through multiple mental medication concoctions with varying degrees of side effects, some of which not only didn't work but made things worse until I found the right cocktail that worked for me

* Ditto the above for sissy

* Not bonding with Valentina for months after she came home and feeling a tremendous amount of guilt over it

So no, I guess my first few years of my 30's weren't as perfect as I thought they were. But in between and even in the midst of the above struggles,

* I had spa days with sissy

* I got to spend time alone time with Asa being the perfect aunt

* I went to multiple concerts with sissy having fun and once in a lifetime moments

* I had countless "girl days" with Beya and Trina

*I had so many side splitting laughter fits with Beya and sissy

* I had dozens of fun filled holidays

* I had several long and short family vacations

* I had pure, unadulterated, sheer joy

On May 3, 2009 when I was 33 cancer invaded our lives.... again. Even after that we CHOSE to have fun. We CHOSE to find the happiness and good and fortunate things in our lives. That's not to say I didn't also had breakdowns, crying fits, denial, acceptance, fear and terrifying moments because I did. I asked why. I still ask why. I will never get an acceptable response to that question.

On January 9, 2010 when I was 34 my sister was taken from me.

I feel like my 30's are over. There will come a time when I hit 40 and become older than my sister ever was.

For the five years I have left in my 30's,

* I will be grateful to have my parents

* I will hold tight to Asa and Valentina

* I will work on my marriage

* I will continue to go through the motions of having an outwardly "normal" life

* I will not take electricity for granted

And for the rest of my life,

* I will miss and mourn my sister

Spring Break Pictures

2011-04-17T17:34:00.000-07:00

First off, Valentina is doing pretty damn good with her tonsils. Today was the first day she ate something and then cried because her throat hurt. Mom made tacos for lunch and the corn tortillas were too hard for her. Well that and I'm such a fucking idiot. I've been so careful to keep her away from anything acidic including citrus and especially anything tomato based. What did I put on her taco? Tomatoes. To quote Charlie Sheen, "duh!" The nurse said this is to be expected around Day Five as the scabs are forming and it's more tender now. She really has been a trouper though. I write down when I give her medicine but I can tell when it's getting close to her next dose because she starts to drag and is more lethargic. On the flip side I can always tell as soon as the meds kick in because she's dancing around and yelling and singing. Our first night in the big city. We had dinner at a diner just a few blocks away from our hotel and Valentina was hamming it up. I just have to say this, that diner had the best sandwich I've ever eaten in my life. Seriously. I've been craving it ever since and have been trying to recreate it to no avail. Oh, and the onion rings! They were very flavorful and not at all greasy. It was an amazing meal. The next morning. We hit the small cafe next door to our hotel where Valentina had a yogurt and Asa couldn't find a muffin he liked. I think I bought him three different ones and he didn't like any of them. He sure looked cute though! Valentina with her yogurt..... and her papa.

At Chuck E Cheese. We met my aunt there with two of her grandkids. All the kids had a great time. This game had a light that went around and you had to jump when it came to you, basically an electronic jump rope. Look at where Valentina's feet are in this picture.......

...... and in this one. Yes, she really is that high off the ground. The girl can jump!

This submarine game was Asa's favorite.

Check out that concentration.

The equestrian of the family.

Valentina seriously rode this damn horse at LEAST 10 times.

I surprised the kids with ice cream when we were at one of the touristy pit stops.

Back in the hotel room, just kicking back and watching a movie on the portable DVD player that we never travel without.

Asa at his first soccer game. Speaking of which, sadly our team has lost their first two games of the season. To be honest, we're getting our asses kicked. Last week the score was 4-0, this week it was 5-0. Last season Asa's team went undefeated. I guess that's the difference between having a great coach and a worthless one. I do not like his current coach, he doesn't really do anything but I do think it's good for Asa to be on the losing team for once. He's still having fun and loving the game. I think for Fall season we're going to put Asa in the level above his current one so he can go back to having his amazing coach. I have stayed in touch with his old coach and he even came to Asa's game last week just to see Asa and help out. Coach made Asa promise that he would get him a ticket for his first MLS game :)

Valentina starts ballet next month and she's very excited. We will have a full schedule with school and multiple after school activities.

I wish so badly sissy was here to participate in the chaos, in the adventures, in LIFE. I miss her so much and nothing is the same without her.

Void Of Adenoids And Tonsil-less

2011-04-15T17:10:00.000-07:00

Valentina had her tonsils and adenoids out on Tuesday. She was a little scared but did great in pre-op. We had bought her a new pair of PJ's and the night before she was very excited because she was looking forward to getting her presents.... and wearing pajamas ALL DAY!!! (her words, not mine). The doctor explained everything and told me the surgery would take about an hour so I figured it would be at least an hour and a half before he came to get us from the waiting room. WRONG! It was no more than 40 minutes when he called me back. He looked very serious and given the quick timeline I was scared but he told us that she did good, her tonsils were big but that her adenoids were huge. So off to the waiting room I went again until the nurse called me back. About 5 minutes later the nurse came to get me. While walking back to the bed where Valentina was, the nurse filled me in; Valentina was kind of freaking out because she was crying, therefore couldn't breathe through her nose and her throat hurt so she was having difficulty breathing through her mouth. When I saw my baby girl my whole body went into shock. The panic on Valentina's face and sheer terror in her eyes brought me back to a few days before sissy died. I wanted to freak out but I had to stay calm. I honestly think my mind went somewhere else because the next thing I knew mom had magically materialized, sitting next to me and I was holding Valentina. The reaction Valentina was having was horrible. They were monitoring her vitals and the alarm kept going off because she was so agitated. I'm not going to get into specifics but it was awful. After about an hour they told me it was my call as to if we wanted to go home or stay there. Valentina desperately wanted to leave so we went home. Poor thing kept throwing up. She must have thrown up at least 8-10 times the first day. The second day was better, she only threw up once. Now, day 4, she's doing really good. She has refused to ever take the Tylenol with codeine or Motrin so she's getting regular Tylenol around the clock, every four hours. I set my alarm when I go to bed and give it to her throughout the night. She's been sleeping with us and will continue to for about another week so I can keep an eye on her. So that is what we have been up to. All in all it has gone better than I could have hoped for, after we got past the first day. I miss my sister and wish she could be here.

Accomplishment

2011-04-08T22:48:00.001-07:00

I cannot begin to explain how damn proud I am of myself for actually creating a new blog design!!! It all started when mom said I need to change mine up. I wanted to see if I could do it myself, well, it was more of a distraction than anything else but I did it!!! I really did it!!! Since I can't bring myself to change my blog, I changed a private one that I started after sissy died. I deleted all the posts since I ended up posting everything on my blog and/or writing it my book so here it is, the link to the blog I created.

What Not To Say When Grieving

Technically I'm not done yet since if I were to change my blog, this blog, I would need to add pictures of Norm and Joshua but I just can't contain how proud I am of myself.

P.S. I ordered the bell :)

The Bell

2011-04-08T09:50:00.000-07:00

I love Crate and Barrel. Love it. I've only been to the store a handful of times and I only buy things that are on sale but I love it. Trina always thought I was silly because I liked it because she thought it was highly overpriced and nothing suited her taste but she would humor me and go with me. Actually we always went everywhere and since I usually drove, her and Beya were my hostages. Anyway, every once in a while I have conversations with sissy in my head, especially when they are about unusual, different things. Take for instance my crush on Karl Pilkington. I know EXACTLY what she would have said and what words she would have accented, what sentence she would have repeated, etc... I hate having dreams of her but I love having these conversations with her. I watched "Castle" yesterday by myself and we talked about it together. So, I was cruising through Crate and Barrel online and look what I found: I love it. In my head I reached for the phone and told Trina all about my great find at Crate and Barrel. Again, I know exactly what she would have said, how she would have laughed at me, how I would have defended what a steal and find this bell was and we would have laughed until our sides hurt and tears were streaming down our faces. All over a bell. I miss sissy so much it hurts and even now I take things day by day, sometimes minute by minute. I hate that I can't have these conversations for real, but I'm grateful that I knew her inside out and can have these conversations in my head. One clarification I needed to make about my post yesterday. I gave my first quote and proceeded to tell a story but completely forgot to explain how the quote tied in with my story. Last year was hell. This year isn't really better, it's different. I can't compare the two because they are so different but last year I was in shock. I didn't really grieve. I spent most of the year in denial and shock. BECAUSE I didn't grieve I didn't really exist. This year I'm grieving but I'm also feeling more. You can't feel when you don't grieve because the shock and horror of losing such an integral part of your daily life puts you in a coma. I thought the quote,

"Man, when he does not grieve, hardly exists."

was spot on. Last year I didn't grieve and I hardly existed. Literally.

The pain is worse now because I am grieving but I am so grateful for my children, my parents, my family and my friends that are my family.

And finding that elusive bell :)

Grief And Quotes

2011-04-07T15:16:00.001-07:00

I was watching "Criminal Minds" last night and was struck by the opening narrative quote:

"Man, when he does not grieve, hardly exists."

- Antonio Porchia

That is so true.

Here is why.

Last week Beya and I went to Target while the kids were at school. We had actually gone the day before but Valentina had thrown an epic fit so we had to leave without buying anything. I was literally dragging her out. Yes, I was that mom with that kid. Trust me, the stares and dirty looks I was getting were not fun but hardly the worst thing I've been through. So yes, Beya and I went back to the scene of the crime to actually BUY the things we needed.

As we pulled into the parking lot we were laughing at something that I don't even remember what it was. But the fact is, we were laughing. And that brought me back to over a year ago when mom and I went on our first Target run without sissy. It was horrible, it is one of the few memories I have from last year. Mom and I sat in the car and sobbed. Mom kept repeating "we just have to get through this moment" and I replied "but it's too hard. This moment RIGHT NOW is too hard." Beya and I just sat there, cried and then managed to pull ourselves together to go in.

Last week we were laughing when we walked in.

Part of me was hesitant to write this post because people see us laughing and assume that we are all better, that we have grieved (past tense) and have "come out the other side". That has got to be one of the worst and dumbest ways to describe grief because you are never done with it. Grief never goes away. One of the truest quotes is:

"You are never ok again,

you just become more ok with things being shitty."

- Holly G

I have the best and most truthful friends.

Mom and I find it easier to laugh with each other because we know that we are both still thinking the exact same thing at all times, "if only Trina was here. How is it possible we are doing this without her?"

Sunday the six of us (Norm, Beya, Papa, the kids and me) went on a two night getaway. Norm had meetings for work so we all packed up and left our metropolis for another metropolis that is about a 2 1/2-3 hour drive away. It was the first time I had been there since sissy had died. The four of us (Trina, Josh, Norm and me) had gone there several times for weekends away and had always had so much fun. There are so many memories locked in that city. When Trina and Josh were dating and he still lived there, she would go spend the weekend with him. She was also self employed in sales and the head office was based up there so she would have to travel up there for work too. As we drove past the exits my mind wandered back to not just our trips up there but to when sissy would call me while she was driving that stretch of freeway. We would talk for an hour (easily) about everything and ever so often she'd read off which exit she had just passed. There were so many memories, each one more stabbing than the last, that I cried for about an hour in the car with Norm (Beya and papa drove my car with the kiddos).

I thought I had been through the worst of it but oh no, I woke up in the middle of the first night literally sobbing. My face was wet with tears. In my dream sissy and I were on vacation in that city, laughing, having fun, excited for the upcoming U2 concert and then sissy was sick and when I woke up sissy was dead. I hate dreams of sissy because we are always having fun and it just slaps me with the reality that that will never happen again.

But we did have fun on our little trip. We did touristy things with the kids, things that I hadn't done in the city since my first trip up there when I was about 14. The only thing that sucked was the snoring. Oh, and the uncomfortable beds. And the face that they were mini beds. Queen size? Ha! They were like twin beds! Even my ambien couldn't get me to sleep (as Jen can attest to and yes, ambien is to make me sleep, as much as my behavior contradicts that). We got home Tuesday afternoon and I'm so glad we went. Once I get my pictures downloaded I will post some of them.

Valentina's surgery is scheduled for next week. After taking her to the ENT he confirmed that Valentina's tonsils and adenoids are so big that they are blocking about 85% of her airway. Her voice is going to change because for the first time she will be able to breathe normally. Of course no mother wants their child to go through surgery but then I think of the countless surgeries Aviana has been through (actually I'm sure Jen could tell you the exact number she's had) and I realize how minor a tonsillectomy is. Of course my mind also meanders back to when I took Trina to the doctor for the pain she was having, he listened to her and then informed her it was normal pregnancy pains. On her trip to the ER on May 3, 2009, the worst possible diagnosis we thought was a blood clot.

"When you hear hoof beats think horses, not zebras."

"Sometimes it is zebras. Sometimes it is."

- "Off The Map"

Sometimes it is. But sometimes a tonsillectomy is just a tonsillectomy.

Top Chef Spoiler????? ----- EDITED -----

2011-03-30T08:57:00.000-07:00

Top Chef All Star's Finale is tonight. I've been scouring the net trying to find a spoiler. However, I don't think I needed to, all I had to do was watch the Today Show and let Matt Lauer accidentally spill the beans..... I think. First off I am ACHING for Richard Blais to win. Mom is going to be mad if Mike Isabella doesn't win. Both Mike and Blais were on the Today Show just now, each doing their rendition of lasagna. At the end, after the screen had already gone to the Today Show logo you could hear Matt Lauer say "Richard, congratulations." IhopeIhopeIhopeIhopeIhopeIhope

YAY!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO HAPPY FOR RICHARD BLAIS!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE CANCER!!!!!!

2011-03-24T19:46:00.001-07:00

I hate cancer.

I hate what cancer has done to my family.

I hate what cancer has taken away from my family.

Most of all I hate that cancer has stolen my children's innocence.

Asa has severe fears of being left behind/alone/forgotten but other than that he doesn't have a fear of much else because he's already experienced one of the worst things that can happen to a child, his mom has died.

I've been preparing Valentina for her tonsillectomy, telling her that we'll go to the hospital, I will be with her, she'll have her bear with her, they will put a mask on her, she'll go to sleep, when she wakes up I'll be next to her and then we'll all go home. She has seemed a little skeptical of things but tonight she told me she was afraid. She whimpered to me that she was scared. I told her there was nothing to be afraid of, that I would be there with her.

Valentina - Beya too?

Me - Yes, I'm sure Beya will be there too.

Valentina - But you'll be with me?

Me - Yes honey, I'll be there the whole time.

Valentina - But like TT? Then you will come home?

The lightbulb went off in my head. I had never once thought that she would associate the two things. I never told her that her surgery will be at the same hospital. It broke my heart that she thought we would take her to the hospital and then come home without her. The remainder of our conversation went like this:

Me - No honey! We'll all come home together! You aren't going to die like TT.

Valentina (her face getting brighter) - You mean I'm going to come home? You won't leave me at the hospital?

Me - Of course not! You don't have cancer. TT had cancer. TT was really sick and there was nothing anyone could do. You are just having your tonsils out. LOTS of people have their tonsils out, it's no big thing. We'll go early in the morning and be home by bedtime. We'll all go together and we'll all come home together.

Valentina - But TT died. TT had cancer and went to the hospital and died.

Me - Yes. TT died.

Valentina - Why did she have cancer?

We discussed again how it just happened, it was nobody's fault, TT just got cancer and couldn't get better but that having her tonsils taken out was NOTHING like cancer. I explained that most people go to the hospital and come home, that it's not normal to go to the hospital and die but it did happen to TT.

I hate cancer.

I hate what cancer has done to my family.

I hate what cancer has taken away from my family.

Most of all I hate that cancer has stolen my children's innocence.

I cannot say that enough.

More About You Monday

2011-03-23T13:53:00.000-07:00

I thought this was a pretty cool idea that Jen did on her blog on Monday. Yes, I'm a bit late, I realize it's Wednesday but I'm going to ask you to post a few things about YOU.

1. If you had to be stranded somewhere (NOT your house), where would you choose?

2. If you had an unlimited amount of ONE food, what would it be?

3. You had only one album on your iPod to listen to at this place, what is it?

4. You have one tv show you can watch, which one?

5. You have one book you can read, what do you pick?

There. You're stranded in one place with one item of food, one book, one tv show and one album.

Speaking of More About You, Asa's teacher grabbed me after school today to tell me something. Yesterday they were discussing something about history in a different country and she wanted to show them where the country was so out came the globe. The teacher tells me "wouldn't you know, it's right next to Libya!" I covered my face and started laughing because I knew exactly what was coming next. Yes, Asa taught his whole class about what is happening in Libya, that the leader is killing his own people so we have to go in and rescue them. Then she added that one of the kids made the remark that he didn't want to go to Japan. Asa then informed them that they DEFINITELY would have not wanted to be in Japan in 1948 when there were other bombs going off (Asa knew the dates and more detail, I'm just paraphrasing what the teacher told me) and how England used a Tomahawk missile. I was laughing so hard and explained that Asa had spent Sunday with Joshua where the TV is permanently set to CNN. His teacher was laughing too and told me that she wasn't going to bother watching the news anymore, she would just ask Asa every morning what is going on in the world.

So that is More About Asa and here are the kids with their Pillow Pets.